


Loose Change

by LittleMissFirebright



Category: Ouran High School Host Club - All Media Types
Genre: Fluff, Friendship, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-10
Updated: 2018-12-14
Packaged: 2019-09-15 15:47:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 23,599
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16936095
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LittleMissFirebright/pseuds/LittleMissFirebright
Summary: One day in Ouran Academy, an overly convenient plot device occurs which could set Haruhi free from her debt! Will the Host Club be able to accept her departure in a mature and reasonable fashion, while acknowledging that their friendship extends beyond the confines of club activities? No. No they will not. 'Operation: Keep Our Princess Captive' commences now!*Cross posted from Fanfic.net!*





	1. Changing Circumstances

**Cross posted from my account on Fanfic.net! I'm new to posting on this site, so hello everyone! :D**

**Disclaimer: I am not the creator of Ouran High School Host Club, contrary to the passages written in my sparkle unicorn dream journal.**

**~o~**

It was an average day at Ouran High. The gardens were in full bloom, the sky was blue, and rich kids complained that it took too long to walk down the gorgeous marble hallways.

The only middle class student in a sea of upper class snobs carried her lunch through the glittering, high ceiling cafeteria, while a live string quartet played soothing violin music from a rose petal strewn corner of the room. Delicious smells wafted from behind the order counter, and Haruhi Fujioka breathed in deeply, wondering which rare delicacies were the source.

At least the smell was free. Haruhi enjoyed it for a moment, then pushed the thought aside. She had a perfectly good lunch, and it had cost her less than five hundred yen to make. It was about a tenth of the price of even the lowest marked food item on the schools menu.

“But please, Madame, you must accept these. I assure you, they are more than sufficient for this order."

Haruhi looked up, noticing a student dressed in Ouran blue leaning over the counter urgently. The girl, a brunette worker in white, was smiling politely, her hands clasped in front of her.

“I’m sorry sir, but we can’t accept this currency," she apologized sincerely, her smile bright. “Is there any way you could convert it to yen first?"

“I tried, but the ATM wouldn’t accept them either for some reason!" the student despaired. His brown hair was parted evenly down the middle, and hung just to his chin. He wore glasses that looked as though they had come from an old magazine, made with gleaming, and finely worked brown metal. “Please, isn’t there anything you can do?”

“I’m sorry, sir...”

The boy noticed Haruhi, and turned to her despairingly, mistaking her for the boy she was dressed like. “Good sir, can you lend me some change? I’m afraid I’m in a spot of trouble...it appears the school doesn’t accept post continental American made coins. They’re only from the last century or so, and in mint condition! It is quite inexcusable!”

Another normal occurrence at Ouran Academy. A filthy rich teenager who didn’t understand how the normal world worked. “If it’s only change I guess I can help,” Haruhi shrugged, pulling her beat up wallet from her school uniform. “How much do you need?”

“A ten thousand yen note should do,” the student said gratefully, as though this were the most basic request in the world. ”I‘ll pay you back in full, I assure you.”

“ _Ten thousand yen_?” Haruhi sputtered, completely taken off guard. “I don’t have anywhere close to that much on me! You call that change?”

“What am I going to do?” he despaired, clutching his hand to his heart. “I haven’t eaten since last night, and I’m positively craving Kobe beef! Am I to starve in this heinous cafeteria, a victim of cruel fate?”

Haruhi thought that maybe being a drama queen was contagious in this school. Then again, maybe rich kids really _did_ think they would starve after half a day without caviar. “Well I don’t know about Kobe beef,” she admitted, unwrapping her lunch from its brightly patterned handkerchief. “I have an extra sandwich though. Here, you can have it. Maybe bring normal money to school from now on.”

Haruhi placed the plain sandwich in his hands unceremoniously. “My name is Haruhi Fujioka.”

The students hazel eyes went wide behind the frames of his glasses as he stared at the sandwich, as though it were made of solid gold. “Haruhi Fujioka. Never have I witnessed such _generosity_! Thank you, a thousand times, thank you! I have been saved from the brink of starvation! I must repay you!”

“Oh, it’s really no problem,” Haruhi assured him, wondering briefly when she could escape to eat the remainder of her lunch. _Also it cost less than five hundred yen_. “You don’t have to do anything like that.”

“I insist,” he said, clasping her hand. “Please, call me Hiroya-san. In exchange for your help today, you must accept these coins. The school may not have any use for them, but I assure you they are quite valuable!” Hiroya-san pressed the dingy looking coins into Haruhi’s hand. She blinked, thanking him dubiously. She made her way through the lunchroom to the table in the corner, isolated from the crowd of rich teens.

She sighed with relief, contenting herself to a quiet lunch. She set the misshapen, and slightly lumpy looking coins on the surface of the table next to her food.

What was she supposed to do with these?

“Soooo,” a voice purred, as an arm draped itself across her shoulders. “What was up with that guy?”

”He seemed clingy.” Another arm joined the first, as Kaoru sipped at his drink noisily.

“Hikaru-san, Kaoru-san,” Haruhi sighed, her dream of a quiet lunch dying abruptly. “What do you want?”

“Hey now,” Hikaru complained. “Is that any way to greet your close friends? We were worried, that’s all! Takumi Hiroya can be a real pain.”

“He’s always bringing weird coins to school instead of yen,” Kaoru explained. “His parents run a successful chain of museums and natural history restoration centers across the globe. On top of that, Hiroya inherited a large coin collection from his deceased Grandfather. He never has anything but weird currencies.”

“Who tries to buy things with old coins? They’re probably worth more than the things he wants to buy.” Haruhi complained. “Damn rich kids.”

“I couldn’t agree more,” Tamaki broke in, sitting across the table from them with a flourish, actual glitter shining in the air around him, moved by a faint wind. “Of course, Haruhi, that’s exactly right!”

“He has no idea what we’re talking about,” Hikaru explained, ignoring the fabulous blonde, who appeared to be posing for some unseen camera. “Tell us the story. What did Hiroya say?”

Haruhi sighed, accepting that she wouldn’t get to eat in peace until she explained the whole thing. She relayed the tale in short sentences, eating her apple in between them. “I gave him a sandwich, and he seemed fine,” she finished, wondering if Takumi Hiroya had ever eaten a commoner sandwich before. Surely he was used to rare imported meats instead of cheap ham? “Although I think he might have been a little too grateful. It was just a sandwich.”

“Just...a sandwich?” Tamaki repeated, as though these words were the purest blasphemy. “ _Just_ a sandwich?”

_~The Theater of Tamaki’s Mind~_

“Oh, Tamaki-senpai!” Haruhi sang, her smile bright and cheerful, wearing a sundress patterned with little hearts. “Please, you must accept this! This sandwich is bursting with everlasting passion and the dreams of a girl who is hopelessly in love with you!”

“Haruhi, thank you.” Tamaki murmured, lifting her chin with one slender finger as a rain of roses and unexplainable sparkles fell in a glittering shower around them both. “I love it. Honestly I do. This sandwich represents the eternal bond we both have for each other, and the strength of the feelings that run between our hearts. Truly this sandwich is the greatest creation that has ever come from this world.”

“Yes, senpai, that’s exactly right!” Haruhi cried out, tears in her eyes. “This homemade sandwich...is what love truly is!”

_~End Scene~_

Tamaki clenched his fist, shadows hiding his eyes. “I too must have a delicious sandwich made by Haruhi!” he declared, standing up abruptly. “Please, Haruhi. Give me your sandwich!”

“No way,” Haruhi dead-panned, biting into said sandwich. An arrow shot through Tamaki’s heart, stopping him cold. “This is my last sandwich. Go buy yourself something if you’re that hungry.”

“H-Haruhi’s sandwich of love...” Tamaki wept, looking stricken.

“So, can we see them?” Hikaru and Kaoru said in unison, peering to look closer at the strange money. Haruhi shrugged, sliding over her lunch so both twins could see the small heap of coins. They blinked once, their twin golden eyes curious.

“They look old.” Hikaru commented.

“And kind of dirty,” Kaoru chimed in. “No wonder the cafeteria didn’t want them. They look like something out of the sewers. I wonder what his deal was?”

~o~

“Princess, your beauty warms even the frozen tundra of this desolate land,” Tamaki murmured, holding both of the star struck clients’ hands in his own. Snowflakes fell slowly from the ceiling, in the lightly air conditioned room. “Come away with me, or this entire region could melt from our shared passion...”

The Host Club glittered with fake snow, transformed into an Arctic wonderland. Decorative igloos adorned the scene, and the look was complete with what appeared to be _live_ penguins sliding around on the tile pathways. Electric fans made a light breeze dance through the club room, where ice cream was being served in tiny silver cups, with porcelain spoons the size of a pinky finger. Hot chocolate was poured into expensive cups in lieu of tea, to reinforce the idea of winter.

“I get that today is supposed to be Eskimo themed,” Haruhi said dispassionately, looking around the transformed club room. “But why on earth is everyone dressed like _that_?”

The twins laughed from the corner, wearing loose white outfits that matched their polar bear head hoods, which looked disturbingly real. Tamaki himself appeared to be wearing a stylish hunting outfit trimmed with grey fur. Honey alone was wearing a fluffy Eskimo coat with a hood, and Mori was completely shirt-less for some reason.

“Wouldn’t he freeze?” Haruhi sputtered, pointing at supposed ‘spear fisher’ sitting silently next to Honey, who was eating ice cream by the cupful.

“Why Haruhi, I’m surprised you haven’t worked it out,” Kyoya said silkily, the only person in the room without an elaborate costume. “Authenticity, while important, is second to the aesthetic factor that our club has come to be known for over the years. We could hardly be wearing massive coats in a room the temperature of a freezer after all. It wouldn’t be suitable. Instead, we have provided an arctic experience the ladies can enjoy without freezing, and with eye candy to boot. Tamaki demanded the penguins.”

Haruhi herself was dressed as a seal, her face the only part of her that showed under the realistic costume. Whiskers were drawn on her dispassionate face, and her nose was colored in. “Sure. But why do I have to be a seal?"

“Seals are a natural part of the Eskimos life. Without them, they would face almost certain death. Besides, it was either that or an outfit chosen by Tamaki himself. Which would you prefer?” Kyoya said, answering her without hesitation.

“I think I’ll stick with the seal,” Haruhi said darkly, not even daring to _think_ of what Tamaki might have chosen for her. “Where’s your costume anyways, senpai?”

“Originally I was supposed to be an Alaskan sled dog,” Kyoya explained, in a voice that left no doubt whose idea _that_ had been. “Unfortunately, there was a delivery mishap, and the outfit couldn’t make it here in time.”

“Yeah, I’ll bet,” Haruhi said under her breath, wondering what had actually happened to the costume. Personally, she thought the Shadow King fit in just fine with the others, considering his icy personality.

“Your seal outfit is adorable, Haruhi!" one of her regulars gushed, lighting up. “I think it’s super cute!”

“You really think so?” Haruhi replied, caught off guard. “Thanks, I appreciate that.” Her clients looked dazzled by her sincere response.

“Here, Princess,” Tamaki said, his voice as smooth as velvet. “I braved the Alaskan wild this morning just to catch this fish for you. I hope you enjoy it.” He picked up a piece of deluxe sushi with chopsticks, holding it out to his client, who was almost delirious with happiness. Before it could reach her mouth, the sushi was snatched by a penguin. Tamaki gaped, before standing up indignantly. “Hey, that was ours!” he complained to the impassive penguin. “Give it back you thief!”

The Prince slipped on the fake snow as the penguin slid away triumphantly, the prize held in its beak. Tamaki got to his feet angrily, pointing furiously at the penguin in question.

“Kyoya, I want these creatures banished from the clubroom!”

“You wanted them, so I’m afraid they’ll have to stay until close,” the Shadow King said, with the slightest hint of smugness.

“Look, look!” Honey gushed, smiling bright. “I made an Usa-chan out of snow! Want to have hot cocoa with us, snow bunny-chan?” He held a cup out to the snow sculpture carefully, which actually resembled a lumpy, upright pillow. His clients sweat dropped, looking at the dubious pile of snow.

“Y-you’re right, Honey-chan, it looks just like him!”

“Really, it’s uncanny! You have real talent in snow sculpture!”

“You think so?” Honey said, surprised. Mori sipped his hot chocolate impassively.

Tamaki brushed himself off, sitting across from his client once more. “I apologize for the distraction, milady. I believe we were about to share a part of my days catch. I would hunt for weeks on end without food, if it meant I could see your beautiful smile...” He picked up another piece of sushi as he spoke. He saw about ten penguins staring directly at him from his left as he did so, and cringed violently.

“Honestly,” Haruhi sighed. “He brought food for the guests, but forgot to get anything for the penguins. No wonder they’re hungry. I wonder where he even got penguins on such short notice?”

It had been a good day, she thought with satisfaction. She’d gotten a lot of clients, and hadn’t had a single mishap that _added_ to her debt. All in all, she couldn’t complain. At this rate, she would work it off in no time.

After club hours were over, Haruhi changed into her school uniform, while a team of workers cleaned up the club room in record time. By the time she was finished, the music room was back to its normal state, no sign of penguins or fake snow anywhere. She grabbed her bag, but was stopped by Kyoya.

“Haruhi, I heard you received some coins from Takumi Hiroya earlier today,” the Shadow King cut in. “Would you mind if I took a look at them?”

“Yeah, sure,” Haruhi shrugged, digging the coins out of her pocket. She handed them over to her black haired senpai, who turned them over in his hand, his expression entirely unreadable. After a while, he returned them with a slight smile, inspection finished.

“You should take care of those,” Kyoya said, as she returned them to her pocket. “A few are quite rare.”

“Thanks,” Haruhi said, a little dubiously. She picked up her bag, and left the clubroom.

“What’s up with that Hiroya guy, giving Haruhi presents?” the twins complained in unison. “He doesn’t even know her.”

“And getting an immaculate homemade sandwich, crafted by Haruhi herself!” Tamaki joined in, like any righteous father would. “It is unforgivable!"

“Takumi-san was actually remarkably generous, especially considering this was in exchange for a commoner’s lunch,” Kyoya remarked. “While most of those coins were fairly common, one in particular is quite valuable, if authentic. It is known as the ‘King’ of Morgan Dollars, and is highly sought after by coin collectors. While twelve thousand of the coins were supposedly manufactured, only about eighty have been accounted for. Many theories have sprung up about the mysterious disappearance, adding further value to the coin.”

“So it’s worth some money then?” Hikaru asked, curious despite himself. “Maybe Haruhi could buy herself a spare uniform, or a lunch or two from the cafeteria.”

“Yeah, or some cute girl clothes to wear on weekends,” Kaoru chimed in. “Like a sundress.”

“I’m afraid that the King of Morgan Dollars is worth more than an outfit or two.”

“How much is it worth then?” Tamaki asked naively.

Kyoya smiled, pushing up his glasses until they glinted white. “Why, roughly 8 million yen. Give or take that is.”

~o~

**Authors Note: This is a coin which actually exists! Yes, authors do in fact conduct research sometimes. If anyone is interested, details are below. Thanks for reading!**

**The King of Morgan Dollars** _:_ The 1895 Morgan Silver dollar is estimated at roughly $70,000 U.S dollars in prime condition. (So about ¥ 8,122,800). According to U.S. Mint records, there were 12,000 regular circulation Morgan Dollars struck for 1895. However, only 75 to 80 of the 1895 Morgans have been accounted for. The missing 12,000 coins is a mystery that has been hotly debated, but never fully explained. Most believe that the coins were never minted in the first place, and that this notation in the Mint accounting ledgers is in error. Some believe that the coins were minted, but melted down for various reasons. One theory even proposes the coins were lost at sea in a shipwreck.


	2. A Common Mistake

**Disclaimer: I don’t own any of these characters, but I’m blaming that on the professional kidnappers…who have failed me for the last time.**

**~o~**

“It’s worth WHAT?” Tamaki screeched in a completely manly pitch that in no way sounded like a dying cat. “E-eight _million_ yen? But with that kind of money, Haruhi could buy herself thousands of sundresses!”

_Haruhi laughing while hundreds of sundresses fell from the sunny sky, twirling around happily-_

“Boss, you can’t be that slow!” Hikaru and Kaoru broke in, completely interrupting the beginning of Tamaki’s sundress fantasy. “8 million yen? Doesn’t that number ring a bell somewhere in that hamster wheel of a mind of yours?”

The seconds dragged on in silence.

A lightning bolt of inspiration struck the Prince. “With that money, Haruhi could pay off her debts to the Host Club in full!”

“Now he gets it,” the twins deadpanned from the side.

“No, no, _no_ ,” Honey-chan wailed, hugging Usa-chan close. “Haru-chan can’t just _leave_!”

Mori nodded in agreement impassively.

“You’re the boss, fix this!” Hikaru and Kaoru said in perfect unison, snapping their attention back to their blond leader.

“Alright!” Tamaki shouted, commanding silence. He lifted his head, surveying the Host Club with calm blue eyes. “I have a plan. If we stay collected and rational, we can keep our Princess where she belongs. Now, does that sound alright to everyone here?”

Tamaki was rarely serious, but on those occasions when he chose to set aside all glitz and glamour, anyone could see that he had the qualities of a leader. This was one of those times. He stood in a self-assured manner, a pillar of calm that could not be shaken. His words commanded attention, and anyone who listened would automatically feel they could be trusted completely. The Host Club was awed into silence by this sudden change. Could this be a man who could set aside his childishness, and come up with a rational and responsible plan to keep their family together?

Calming down from the beginnings of true panic, Hikaru turned to Tamaki.

“So what’s this plan of yours?”

Tamaki closed his brilliant blue eyes, as though about to deliver an inspirational speech. “Well, Takumi Hiroya was the one who started this whole mess, by giving Haruhi that coin he was carrying as loose change. Therefore, it follows that my plan begins with him. We find Hiroya-san first.”

“And then?” Kaoru chimed in.

“No one ever hears from him again.”

Before Tamaki had even finished his sentence, Kyoya was speaking. “While that’s very dramatic, it doesn’t exactly help with the current situation. Also, it’s quite illegal.”

“Well, what would YOU suggest?” Tamaki snapped, reverting to the childish prince.

Light gleamed off the Shadow Kings glasses, and when he smiled, the temperature in the room seemed to drop a few degrees. “While I can think of several options that would suit this particular situation, perhaps they should be saved until after some other courses of action have been attempted. After all, using my family’s secret police to force an impoverished honor student to continue spending time with a host club could be seen as borderline criminal.”

“Hang on a second,” Kaoru broke in. “We’ve been friends with Haruhi for a long time now. Who’s to say she’ll leave if she repays her debt? Haruhi might decide to stay.”

They thought about this in silence for a long moment.

An image of Haruhi appeared in their imaginations, running away in slow motion while waving back at them. “ _Goodbye_!” fantasy Haruhi sang in her sundress, as she disappeared into the distance. “ _Goodbye!”_

The twins, Tamaki, and Honey all stood as one, looks of determination on their faces, Mori and Kyoya on the side. “Well men, we’re in agreement,” Tamaki said grimly, taking charge. “In order to keep our Princess by our side, we must take drastic, even illegal measures!”

“You’re not talking about kidnapping, are you?” the twins asked in unison.

“Of course not! Only as a third, or even a fourth option!”

“So boss, what’s plan A?”

“And is this plan also stolen from an American action movie?”

“Not this one! This plan is simpler than that. Haruhi simply needs to realize how amazing it is to be a member of Ourans’ Elite Host Club. Poor Haruhi has lived so much of her life in near poverty, it stands to reason that she would crave the glamourous life we can offer her a taste of here at this club! All we need to do is remind Haruhi of the differences between our lifestyles, and she’ll be begging us to continue being a Host!”

Hikaru and Kaoru looked at each other, their faces blank. “That sounds...”

“Really lame.”

“Not to mention, the plan hinges on Haruhi caring,” Kyoya put in, tapping his pen. “That alone brings the odds of a success down by quite a large margin.”

“And isn’t this completely contrary to Haruhi’s entire personality?” Hikaru cut in, looking dubious. “Not that I have any better ideas.”

“It’s worth a shot. Besides, if anything goes wrong she’ll be mad at Tamaki, not us,” Kaoru pointed out.

The twins laced their arms together, matching devilish grins breaking out over their symmetrical faces. “We’re in!”

“We’ll do whatever we can to help!” Honey announced for both himself and Mori, his childish features determined.

“Then we’re in agreement!” the Prince said, pulling out a large whiteboard. He wrote a title across the top of the board in red expo marker, and underlined it with a flourish. “’Operation: Convince Haruhi the Host Club is Incredible’, shall now commence!”

~o~

The next day seemed like any other at Ouran Academy. Students walked around the extensive grounds with their bags, free of the day’s classes. A faint breeze played with the leaves in the sculpted topiaries that dotted the vibrant lawns, and around immaculate fountains that burbled merrily in the warmth of the sun. The school itself loomed like a castle over the scenery, proud and flawlessly maintained, a sigil of strength and prosperity incarnate.

But inside the schools third music room, panic was beginning to set in.

“I’m having second thoughts,” Hikaru said hurriedly, in the darkened room. “Haruhi’s not even here yet! Maybe she’s not coming.”

“She’ll _be_ here,” Tamaki assured him. “I’m sure she’s just running late. The operation will proceed as planned!”

“Is this really a good idea?” Kaoru hissed to his brother, pulling the last of his costume on. “Doesn’t it feel like we crossed a line?”

“We’re way past that, Kaoru. Maybe Haruhi’s already realized the value of the coin. She might not come back here at all!”

“Don’t even _say_ that, Hikaru!”

“Shut up, someone’s coming!”

The doors to the music room opened ominously, spilling light in from the hallway. Haruhi was breathing hard, like she’d been running to get there. “Sorry…I’m so late…I got held up on the phone with my dad.” She stood up straight, looking around. “Why’s it so dark in here?”

 “Never mind that,” Tamaki interrupted, stepping forward into the light. “It’s fine, as long as you’re here now. We’ve gone ahead and gotten things set up without you. Is everything with your father alright?”

“Yeah, everything’s fine,” Haruhi affirmed. “It’s funny actually, he’s been doing a lot of research into those coins Hiroya-san gave me the other day. Said he had something important to tell me when I got home.”

“I changed my mind, I’m in a hundred percent!” Kaoru whispered loudly from somewhere behind. “Go time!”

“I-is that right?” Tamaki stammered, making gestures behind his back for the twins to shut up. “Well, I guess we’ll have to make an impression before then!”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Haruhi asked dubiously, trying to peer behind the Prince. “Also, why are you wearing a suit like that? Is todays theme Frankenstein?”

“What, this old thing? Just something I found lying around,” the blond preened, somehow making his ragtag outfit look as though it were artfully distressed instead of incredibly ugly. “Let me introduce today’s theme!”

He clapped his hands together, and light filled the third music room.

When Haruhi’s eyes adjusted, she saw a scene from a sitcom about lower class living.

The usual décor of the room had been replaced with secondhand furniture, battered, and stained. One of the roughly made wooden tables was leaning on a copy of ‘Les Misérables’ to keep it level. Coffee mugs and measuring cups replaced the normal immaculate china the club usually used to serve refreshments, and the food was being served on chipped white plates, and the occasional Frisbee. Actual newspaper was on the floor in lieu of rugs, screaming headlines like, “Impoverished Youth!”, “Poor, Poor, Poor,”, and “Don’t Leave Us, Haruhi!”

The lighting in the room came mostly from lightbulbs under battered tin hoods, hanging over each of the odd looking tables, flickering occasionally as if they might go out. The rest of the illumination came from artificial fires burning inside oil drums, which looked disturbingly authentic, as if Tamaki had gone to the streets to find actual rusted metal cylinders from who knew where. In the corner, a tragic looking dog chewed on a bone that looked like it might have been a T-bone steak once. Waiters in fake beards rolled around on cheap roller skates, serving candy bars from drug stores on their Frisbee platters.

“Todays’ theme is, ‘Commoner Lifestyle’! It reminds you of home, does it not?” Tamaki said proudly, stepping in front of Haruhi again in his custom made suit.

The suit in question was the same light blue as their normal uniform, but the similarities ended there. For starters, it was roughly double the size, and was tattered and odd looking. Moreover, the Prince was wearing it open, overtop _another_ equally ugly suit the color of pond mud. The elbows were patched, and the shoes he wore didn’t match anything in the known universe. The outfit was complete with a plain yellow tie tied crookedly around his neck. An artful smear of dirt marred his forehead, and he had hollowed out his cheeks with dark makeup, complete with bags under his eyes.

“Oh no,” coughed one of the guests, who had been given cheap cardigans in gaudy colors to wear over their pretty yellow dresses. “I’m dying of an easily preventable disease due to my inability to afford basic healthcare! Gasp!” A chorus of sympathy greeted this pronouncement, as the girl hunched over her table tragically.

“I have to clip my own nails like a barbarian!” another guest announced. “Oh the _travesty_!”

“We’re poor today!” Tamaki explained to the stunned Haruhi. “I’m a badly dressed pharmacist, who can’t pay the bills for his family!” He pointed to each of the club members in turn.

“Honey-senpai is an orphan, who was abandoned by the side of the train tracks…”

A starved looking Honey-senpai looked longingly at the dollar store cupcakes, wearing a shirt so long it hung over his hands. He held Usa-chan tight to his chest, his only belonging.

“Aren’t you going to take any Honey-chan?” a beautiful brunette girl asked hesitantly. The other girls gasped, as if she had said something forbidden.

Honey forced himself to look away from the frosted cupcakes, tears in his overly large eyes. “I-it’s okay. I didn’t want any anyways.”

“You’re only pointing out what he can’t afford, Michi-chan! How could you? Oh Honey-Chan, I’d adopt you in a second!” The girls hugged the blond little boy with tears of sympathy in their eyes.

“Mori-senpai is a coal miner, who has to work all day just to put food on the table,” Tamaki continued.

Mori was once again shirtless, covered in sweat and coal dust. He held a pick in hand as if it weighed nothing at all, wiping his face with a white cloth with his other hand. One of his guests hesitantly walked up to him, offering a simple rice ball in a napkin to the ‘coal miner’.

Mori’s eyes widened just a bit. “Thanks,” he said monotonously, taking a bite. His guests squealed happily.

“Kyoya is a tax attorney who struggles in the current economy.”

The heir to the Ootori fortune sat at a desk that had been pillaged from the elementary section, clearly too small for the teenage boy. Other than that, he looked normal, in a plain black suit, and even writing in his notebook.

“What’s so odd about him?” Haruhi said, knowing she would regret asking. “He’s not dressed much differently.”

“Oh, but I am,” Kyoya said, setting down his notebook on the wooden table, next to his measuring cup filled with tea. “This suit…isn’t tailor made. Yes ladies, I’m afraid it’s even second-hand.”

“You poor, poor thing! I would die if I didn’t wear clothes made just for me!”

“Oh, can you even imagine? Being poor must be the absolute worst!”

“These damn rich people,” Haruhi muttered darkly under her breath.

“And lastly, the twins are brothers forced to survive on their own in a cheap apartment. Kind of like you, Haruhi!” The disguised girl twitched at that.

“Oh Kaoru…I’m so sorry, I have terrible news…I was laid off at work today because I was too handsome…I’ve let you down. We’ll have to survive off of instant ramen noodles and catfish from the canal for a while.”

“Don’t worry…even if we have no money, as long as I’m with you, I’m the richest man alive,” Kaoru breathed, looking into Hikaru’s golden eyes while holding both his hands clasped firmly in his own. Both wore matching brown suits that might have been stolen from a hobo, but were probably designed by their mother for the occasion. Their fangirls watched with tears in their eyes.

“And me?” Haruhi asked with trepidation, clearly worried about the answer. Tamaki smiled, putting both hands on her shoulders.

“You don’t need a costume, because you’re already incredibly poor!”

The temperature in the room dropped a few degrees as Haruhi’s countenance went frigid. “Is that right?” she asked, the tone of her voice making ice seem warm by comparison. Oblivious as always, the blond Prince didn’t even notice her irritation.

“Yes, we’ve thought of everything! We pulled out all the stops to show what life must be like for a commoner such as yourself! So? What do you think?”

Haruhi looked around the room again, catching the moment Hikaru chose to die of the ‘commoner plague’, much to Kaoru’s pretend anguish, the girls warming their hands in the fake oil drums, and the horror with which tea in little bags was met with. Ironically, many of the girls seemed to be enjoying their pretend impoverishment greatly, although the snacks were less touched than usual, and many of them sat on white cloths set over the dingy sofas.

“I think this entire setup is insulting to humanity in every possible way,” the short haired brunette said frankly, sending an arrow straight through Tamaki’s heart. “Is this what you think life is like for everyone who isn’t filthy rich?”

“I-isn’t it?” Tamaki stuttered, recovering from the blow slightly.

“Not even a little bit,” Haruhi said without mercy, looking her blond senpai directly in the eyes with a flat glare. “This whole thing is completely tasteless, and frankly more than a little painful to witness. I would ask whose brainless and idiotic idea this was in the first place, but I’m almost certain it was all you.”

“That’s right, it was all Tamaki!” Hikaru affirmed, awakening from his ‘death’ at her speech. “Totally his idea. Did it to send you a message.”

“What kind of message?” Haruhi demanded, turning on her senpai, who had hit the ground with the weight of all the insults she had thrown at him. “Couldn’t you just _tell_ me?”

“Haruhi, I…” Tamaki trailed off, unable to find the words. Club guests began to go silent, taking notice of the confrontation.

Finally, it was too much for Haruhi Fujioka.

“Forget it, I’m going home!”

“Haruhi. Haruhi, wait!” Tamaki called, chasing after the furious girl as she stalked from the clubroom.

The twins took one look at each other and followed, apologizing to their guests.

“I hope we didn’t upset him,” one girl fretted. “Is he ok?”

“Don’t worry about Haruhi, he’s just having a bad day,” Kyoya said silkily, smoothing away any concerns in his paying guests minds. “I’m sure everything is just fine.”

“I’m sorry, I never meant-” Tamaki called out down the hallway, before falling silent. "I just wanted to make you understand what we can do for you, here at this club!” The twins caught up to him at that moment, watching silently.

Haruhi stopped, breathing hard. She spun to face them, cold anger written into the lines of her face. “What does that mean?”

She seemed to collect herself, and some of the tension left her shoulders. “I already know we live differently, without you throwing a show like that. If there’s something you wanted to tell me, you can just come out and say it, ok? I’ll listen, _without_ you needing to throw some bizarre stunt again. What is it you wanted to tell me with all of this?”

A thousand thoughts flitted through Tamaki’s head, all the sentiments he wished to express. How he had wanted to show her that life with the Host Club was more fun than life without it. How they could give her a taste of wealth, while spending time with good friends. How all he had really wanted was to ensure that their friendship continued unabated, and that he couldn’t bear the thought of never seeing her again.

He had only wanted to highlight the differences in their lifestyles so she would want to keep spending time with him, even if her debt were cleared!

He opened his mouth to tell her exactly how he felt, and what he had been trying to convey with the commoner theme, with all the eloquence of a born Prince.

But what came out of it was a little different.

“That we’re better than you,” Tamaki said proudly.

You could have heard a pin drop in the sudden, deathly silence which fell over the hallway.

“Boss?” Hikaru whispered, poking Tamaki’s shoulder. “While we get what you’re trying to say, shouldn’t you phrase it a little better than that?”

“I’m better off _without_ you!” Haruhi snarled, whirling around to pace down the massive marble hallway once more.

She slammed the door at the end of the hall with such force the boom echoed, matching the sound as Tamaki’s heart exploded in his chest.

“Well that didn’t go well,” Hikaru complained, folding his arms. Kaoru poked the comatose Tamaki with a stick, getting no reaction. “What do we do now?”

“Beats me. Should we take Tamaki to a hospital?”

~o~

After club activities, the Host Club remained assembled in the music room after changing out of their costumes. The operation whiteboard had been cleared off. This time, Kyoya took charge.

“As all of you know, today’s operation went…poorly,” the dark haired teen began. “While we were able to salvage club activities without Haruhi’s presence, the ideas of someone, who will not be named, made the situation considerably worse. Despite this, we still have an objective to achieve.”

Tamaki remained white and listless at the side, where he had been propped up against the wall so he didn’t melt into a puddle of depression. During club activities, Kyoya had placed a tin can in front of the Prince, to make him out as a ‘homeless man’ begging for donations. In that way, Tamaki had still contributed to the days efforts. He was now largely ignored by the rest of the Host Club, who knew he’d snap out of it eventually.

“Tomorrows plan will be as follows,” Kyoya commanded, pointing to the whiteboard with a large pointer stick. “Haruhi doesn’t have to _like_ the Host Club, or the lifestyle we can show her in this room. As long as she remains indebted to us, she will never leave. We can keep her here for as long as we like, _if_ her debt increases beyond the original one of 8 million yen. This makes our job easy.”

The Shadow King smiled, light glinting off his glasses. “Operation: Make Haruhi break something priceless’, begins tomorrow morning. Here is what we need to do…”

~o~


	3. Breaking Point

**Disclaimer: I don’t own this fandom, and after seeing a list of obscure ships/tropes, I no longer want to.**

**~o~**

Light glinted off of Kyoya Ootori’s glasses. He snapped his black book closed with finality, surveying the room. “Now that the final pieces have arrived, everything should be ready for today’s event. Are all of you prepared?”

“Oh, everything’s ready all right,” the twins said in unison, seeming drained and irritable. “We stayed up most of the night coming up with tricks and traps. Some of our best work, really. Wasn’t easy, since we have to make it look like an accident. I’m sure at least one of them will succeed.”

“Excellent,” Kyoya smirked. “I’ve gathered several pieces of significant value in accordance with today’s theme. As soon as our mission is complete, I can arrange for the remainder to be removed discreetly from harm’s way. It wouldn’t do to have multiple objects break, and raise Haruhi’s suspicions.”

Hikaru raised his hand, a speculative look in his devilish golden eyes. “I have a question. Why did you agree to this plan in the first place? I mean, we’re certain to lose money if we succeed, so it seems out of character for a conniving villainous overlord like yourself.”

Kyoya’s expression didn’t waver. “Well, though I hardly see myself as ‘villainous’, since business is far more lucrative in the long run, you do have a point. As it turns out, I’ve taken out insurance policies on all our more expensive items ever since the incident when Haruhi broke that Renaissance Vase. As such, the club won’t lose any money regardless of the day’s events. So long as the damage isn’t so extensive as to raise doubt, we should see a tidy profit. And since I have no knowledge of the exact details of today’s plan, having left that up to the clubs troublemakers, there is no risk to myself.”

“You money grubber, you’re _using_ us!” the twins snapped, a furious aura crackling around them, but Kyoya merely smiled serenely at their anger.

Honey raised his hand, cutesy flowers framing his adorable face, his huge brown eyes earnest. “Kyo-chan, Tama-chan isn’t awake yet! What should we do?”

“Oh, still not awake?” Hikaru seethed, cracking his knuckles with an air of hostility. “Making us do all the hard work…”

“Actually, considering he turned into a human puddle a few days ago, his recovery isn’t terrible,” Kaoru pointed out, poking the colorless prince’s vacant face, to no reaction. “I’m a little surprised he’s still breathing.”

“I don’t care what methods you use, but we need him awake for today’s club activities,” Kyoya said heartlessly, sounding almost bored. “You have fifteen minutes. I’ve just received confirmation that Haruhi has received her outfit, and will change before coming here.”

Kaoru lifted up Tamaki’s floppy head by the hair. “You hear that, boss? Haruhi’s gonna be here soon. You don’t want her to see you looking like a ghost with depression issues, do you?” The fiery haired twin waited for a few tense seconds as Tamaki twitched…and fell back over. “No good. Got any better ideas?”

“We have to go harder than that, Kaoru. Here, let me.” Hikaru leaned in to Tamaki’s ear, a demonic glint in his eyes. “Hey boss, do you know what today’s theme is? _European Royalty_. Think of the ball gowns worn by English Queens. The flaring skirts, cinched waistlines, and the low cut tops. Haruhi will look like a real royal princess, straight out a glittering fairy tale.”

Tamaki moved a fraction of an inch, his eyes widening. “You mean it?” he said, his voice oddly dreamlike. He took on a tone of wonder. “Haruhi…in a ball gown…”

Hikaru gave a thumbs up to Kaoru with a cheeky grin. “That’s right, boss. A _ball gown_. Picture it now…you and Haruhi, dancing the waltz under a star dusted sky, with rose petals falling from the heavens and carpeting the grass. She’s waiting for her prince now, alone under that sky. This world can be yours, if you only dare to reach out and _grab_ it…”

A spring breeze seemed to gust through the clubroom, bringing flurries of fantastic sparkles and rose petals, swirling around the comatose Prince as he rose magnificently to his feet, sweeping back his golden hair with an elegant hand. “It wouldn’t do to keep Haruhi waiting, now would it? A Prince always has excellent manners!” Tamaki laughed magnificently, a rose held between his fingers, striking a pose as if there were cameras flashing all around him.

The twins stared impassively at the resurrected Tamaki, not pleased with their victory. “You know…” Hikaru began. “Now that he’s back to normal…”

“We somehow regret bringing this idiocy back into the world,” Kaoru summarized, letting out a deep sigh as Tamaki bowed to invisible adoring fans during his delusions, his fabulousness meter off the scale.

“You aren’t wrong, but I’m afraid the club can’t afford to have our Crown Prince out of action for the third day in a row. His depressed puppy act has gone from sympathetic to pitiful, and plummeted down to just plain sad.” Kyoya clicked his pen, making a quite note in his book. “Besides. The more Tamaki shines today, the easier it will be for our covert operations to go unnoticed. As such, I expect you to compliment him at least three times today.”

“ _Three times_?!” Hikaru demanded wildly. “But that’s enough to send his ego blasting off all the way to the moon! You can’t be serious! He’ll be impossible for _days_!”

“Oh, but I am. Three sincere compliments. And that goes for each of you, including Honey. Mori can be excluded from this assignment.”

Mori nodded thankfully, his arms folded.

The twins glared at Kyoya. “One completely insincere compliment!” they countered in unison. “He won’t be able to tell the difference anyways.”

The Shadow King looked at them, arching an eyebrow. “Two half sincere compliments each. And I give you full permission to prank him mercilessly tomorrow in return, so long as it doesn’t interfere with club activities.”

“Deal!”

“Oh, Haruhi, of course I’ll be your King! Together, we can rule this land with love and beauty, and create a heavenly utopia!” Tamaki’s royal laughter finally died down as his vivid hallucination finished, his baby blue eyes positively sparkling with radiance. He sighed with dramatic bliss, completely refreshed. He looked at Hikaru and Kaoru. “So then, what were we talking about? And when is our Victorian Princess Haruhi arriving?”

“Oh, we weren’t talking about anything important,” the twins shrugged. “Haruhi will be here any second now. And also…”

Hikaru broke off looking pained. He spoke through gritted teeth, his smile forced. “H-have I mentioned you’re looking particularly, er…royal today?”

“Y-yeah!” Kaoru forced out, as if he were choking on something particularly vile. “And your hair is…especially blond and tousled as well!”

Tamaki blinked slowly. “Hikaru…Kaoru…you two really think so? Really, with all your hearts?”

Their matching smiles did little to hide the intense pain in their eyes, as they gave him two thumbs up with rigid movements. “Yup, we really do!” they managed.

Tamaki stared for long enough _both_ twins started to wonder if he’d really bought it, before he broke into a dazzling grin, his very countenance shining brighter and brighter like the sun. “Why _thank you_! I also thought my hair was _particularly_ dazzling today, which is of course natural for a perfect human being such as myself. Why just the other day I was walking past a mirror, and the sun hit my golden hair so perfectly I almost mistook myself for a heavenly seraph, mistakenly trapped on earth with lesser mortals such as yourselves, to spread my beauty and dazzling grace to all who behold me, which reminds me of another time when I was just a young boy, a strapping lad, really-”

Tamaki’s rant continued, and Hikaru and Kaoru cowered back from his super nova glow, their shadows thrown in stark relief behind them. “It burns! Make it stop!” Hikaru cried out, his eyes watering. “What did we ever do to deserve _this_?”

“Don’t _say_ that Hikaru, the universe knows _everything_ we’ve done to deserve this! You’re only going to make it worse!” Kaoru protested, his arm held up protectively over his face. “Is this it? Is this how we die?”

The door creaked open, interrupting Tamaki’s rant about how he’d once been compared to a painting of the Angel Gabriel, but far more handsome, and everyone turned to face the door.

“Is it really okay for me to wear this?” Haruhi Fujioka asked doubtfully, stepping into the clubroom, tugging at the fabric with one manicured hand. She was adorned in only the finest navy blue silk, threaded with seed pearls and embroidered with golden lilies. Just a hint of makeup enhanced the natural beauty of her face, emphasizing her warm chocolate eyes. Her short hair hadn’t been covered in a long wig. Instead she wore a gorgeous hat, accented with a great plumed white feather.

Yes, the outfit was indeed gorgeous. It was also male. Haruhi’s trousers were just long enough with her fashionable men’s heels, and the silk tunic somehow made her look slightly overweight. She had a magnificent white coat held carefully over one arm. “This seems expensive,” the brown haired girl said doubtfully. “Are those real diamonds on the cuffs?”

“Well observed,” Kyoya said smoothly, admiring her completed appearance. “Yes, that outfit was rented specifically for today’s theme. It once belonged to King James of England. Be sure to take good care of it, will you? We need to have it back by the end of the day in perfect condition.”

“A men’s suit? A _men’s suit_?” Tamaki demanded with indignant fury, shaking the laughing twins by their shirts. “You devils _lied_ to me!” The twins only laughed harder, barely able to breathe, and Tamaki turned to Haruhi with a tragic expression. “Haruhi, Daddy demands you go put on a dress this instant!”

Haruhi gave the Prince a glare so cold it could have chilled even Kyoya’s icy heart. “Denied,” she said flatly. Tamaki had yet to win his way back into her good graces since the incident three days prior, despite his ‘apology gift’, of all the commoner snacks and Frisbees from the ‘Poor Living Theme’, delivered to her house via limo. If anything, Haruhi was even more furious now.

Tamaki looked stricken, collapsing on the nearest chaises with an expression similar to Victorian ladies putting on airs. “Rebellious phase…Haruhi is in her rebellious phase! She _hates_ me!”

“Don’t say that, Tama-chan!” Honey-senpai comforted him, hugging Usa-chan close as he patted Tamaki’s head. “I’m sure Haru-chan doesn’t _hate_ you. She’s just a little upset, that’s all!” Mori nodded silently in affirmation at Honey’s side. “And besides, with your natural charm, you’ll win her over for sure!”

Tamaki glanced over, speaking like a sullen child. “You really think my natural charm will be enough?”

Honey nodded vigorously, his brown eyes earnest. “For sure! You just have to keep on trying, and justice will prevail! Besides, you’re a born leader, and I’m sure Haruhi will respect that! A real role model!”

Tamaki began to perk up at the blatant praise being directed his way, nodding as if it all made perfect sense. Honey gave Kyoya an adorable thumbs up, his compliment quota met.

Haruhi seemed intent on ignoring Tamaki’s pouting. She turned to Kyoya. “Should we really be using historical artifacts for a school club?” Haruhi wondered. “And why is it padded so much? Was it fashionable to look overweight?”

“In a manner of speaking,” Kyoya admitted, also perfectly fine with ignoring Tamaki. “The thick cotton padding around the stomach was a rudimentary form of body armor, intended to be too thick for an assassin’s knife to penetrate. As such, many portraits of ancient European Kings were slightly obese. King James was actually in decent shape, considering his opulent lifestyle.”

“Those old kings had more money than sense!” Hikaru cut in, laughing. “Did you know King James was infamous for purchasing a new suit every week? Completely ridiculous, they just burned through money for senseless extravagance!” He reached out to adjust the neckline of his brother’s intricate suit.

“Careful, Hikaru, you’re going to rumple my Italian silk cravat!” Kaoru protested with a pout.

“You guys are pots calling the kettle black,” Haruhi muttered darkly under her breath.

“You know, King James was famous for one other thing,” Kaoru added on, after adjusting his cravat to perfection. “He was notoriously gay.”

“You’re kidding,” Haruhi said, her eyebrows shooting up. “Although now that you mention it, I think I read about that somewhere…”

“That’s right!” Hikaru affirmed with a wide grin, throwing his arm around Haruhi’s shoulder. “His subjects called him the Good Queen James. So if you want to stay in character…”

“Feel free to join us at our table, and we can give the ladies a show,” Kaoru finished, adding his arm around her other shoulder, his voice dropping to a wicked murmur.

“Thanks, but I think I’ll pass,” Haruhi blanched, a little taken off guard. She didn’t know why, but she was sure it was going to be a long day.

~o~

When the guests arrived in music room number three, they found the courts of historic England waiting for them. Bouquets of opulent roses adorned the room on pedestals, interspersed with marble busts of famous figures, and expensive looking paintings from the Renaissance Era propped on easels throughout the room. A professional played classical scores on a gorgeous grand piano, accompanied by a small quartet. Delicious cakes the size of teacups adorned silver platters on a beverage station, and each table had a unique tea set. “Welcome,” the Hosts greeted their guests in a swirl of white rose petals, dressed quite literally like kings.

Haruhi walked up to greet her guests personally, before inviting them to her table. As they sat down, Hikaru leaned down to whisper in Tamaki’s ear. “The first trap is coming up in a few seconds. See the chair? An antique from the mid eighteenth century. Hardly worth any _real_ money, but it’s more than enough to keep a commoner like Haruhi in debt until graduation. I weakened one of the legs last night. When it snaps, our work here is done.”

“Please, sit down,” Haruhi beamed, gesturing for her three guests to take a seat across from her table. “It’s been a while since we’ve been able to have a proper conversation. Why don’t you three tell me about your day?”

“Oh, you don’t want to hear about something as dull as that,” one of her new customers demurred, seeming nervous as she wrung her dainty hands. “It’s nothing worth mentioning, really.”

Haruhi blinked her warm brown eyes. “I don’t agree with that at all. I really enjoy hearing about how each day went. I feel like communication is the best way to learn more about each other, even if it isn’t something big. Don’t you think?”

 Her customers agreed in a dazed tone, hearts in their eyes, and Haruhi sat down in the antique chair…

Nothing happened. At least, the chair did not break. Haruhi resumed her conversation like normal, nodding attentively as she listened to her customer’s stories.

“You’ve got to be kidding me!” Hikaru complained, shock written across his features. “Does she weigh as much as your average tanuki?”

“Please, I knew your chair idea was doomed to failure,” Kaoru smirked, crossing his arms. “Take a look at my brilliant masterpiece. Haruhi’s teapot was filled only a quarter of the way, so she’ll have no choice but to bring it over to the beverage station for refilling. But the handles on the 19th century silver tea tray have been discretely loosened by an expert I called in from Morocco. For extra measure, I made sure the handles were coated in extra silver polish, and conveniently not wiped clean.”

“That’s pretty good,” Hikaru said, his eyes lighting up as he looked at his smirking brother. “If she doesn’t break the handles-”

“She’ll drop the tea tray because of the leftover polish, which we can blame on shoddy cleaning methods,” Kaoru finished, matching his brothers devilish grin.

Haruhi blinked twice, as the stream of tea in the tea pot ran dry halfway through filling up a customer’s cup. “That’s weird,” she muttered, a line creasing her forehead. “Hold on just a moment, ladies, I’ll go fill this up right away.” She stood carefully, as if trying be mindful of her expensive outfit, and reached down towards the silver tea tray.

Haruhi picked up the teapot calmly, leaving the tray behind. “I’ll be back soon,” she promised.

“Hikaru, Kaoru, are you two okay?” one of the nearby guests asked with concern, peering at the two boys hunched over with pain.

Kaoru looked away suddenly, suspiciously convenient tears shining in his eyes. “I was just thinking of the terrible fates so many monarchs suffered. What would I do if I ever lost you, Hikaru?”

“Don’t even think that, Kaoru!” Hikaru demanded, catching his brother’s chin to look him deep in the eyes. “Our fates are intertwined. Even if you were sentenced to the gallows, I’d share your punishment, so we would never have to be apart…”

Their guests squealed with happiness, and the twins sighed with relief internally at their quick save.

On and on it went. Haruhi managed to evade all their secret traps as if by magic. She noticed the glass figurine hanging precariously over the edge of a nearby counter, and fixed it before it fell. The rough, notched edge of her table intended to snag at her rented clothing was covered with a handkerchief by chance. An expensive tea cake delivered to her personally ended up given to her guests to share, because ‘she enjoyed the smiles on their faces more than any cake’, a line which had Honey-senpai in tears.

“This isn’t working!” Kaoru hissed to his brother, in between their guest’s rotation. “At this rate, Haruhi won’t fall for _any_ of our traps! You don’t think she has some kind of superpower, do you?”

“We only have an hour left. Subtlety isn’t working, we’ll have to make a more obvious move!” Hikaru hissed back, picking up a cup of tea. He positioned himself nonchalantly near Haruhi’s chair, turning _just_ as she began to stand up, so her shoulder collided with his elbow. “Haruhi, be careful!” the wicked twin complained, as if taken by surprise, his tea spilling all over the white overcoat draped over the armrest of her chair.

“Sorry, Hikaru, I guess I didn’t see you there,” Haruhi apologized, rubbing her shoulder. She saw the tea stain settling into the white cotton fabric, and blinked once.

A chorus of gasps broke out when the guests noticed what had happened. “Oh, _no_ …Haruhi, your _coat_!”

“How terrible, I once ruined a cream blouse with a splash of black tea, just like that! It didn’t come out, even in the wash!”

Kyoya gravitated towards the incident like a shark smelling blood in the water, his glasses gleaming. “Haruhi, I’m afraid we’ll have to add the cost of the coat to your debt. It was a rental, after all.” The twins shared a secret victory smile, their eyes gleaming.

“Oh, come on, it just needs to be cleaned up a little,” Haruhi pointed out, picking up the coat. “It just got the arm here, see? Nothing I can’t fix up in no time.”

“If a washing machine couldn’t fix a stain like that, there’s nothing more we can do,” the twins said in perfect unison, shrugging disdainfully. “Oh well!”

“I’m afraid even using chemical cleaning methods could damage the fabric, given the age,” Kyoya lamented in a terrifyingly flawless act. “Even vinegar could compromise the appearance of the coat. You should have been more careful, Haruhi.”

“You guys are worrying too much,” the brown haired crossdresser insisted, picking up the coat. “And if it’s so fragile, why did we even rent it? I don’t see anyone else in a rented suit.”

Kyoya’s businesslike smile never changed. “It was _Tamaki’s_ idea, of course. It was originally going to be worn by him, but the size was wrong. You were the closest match, and since we already had the suit, it made sense to use it,” he lied smoothly, throwing the King under the bus without hesitation. “I’ll be sure to calculate the exact cost of the coat, so you can reimburse us in full.”

“Hey, where are you going?” Hikaru demanded, when Haruhi walked away.

“To get some water!” Haruhi replied over her shoulder, muttering something about upper class citizens not knowing how to clean under her breath as she went.

She came back with a small tub of water, and rested the stained sleeve beneath the surface. A group of guests had formed, interested in what she was doing, Tamaki front and center. “To remove stains from dark liquid, it’s best to soak it first thing,” Haruhi explained, rubbing the stain in slow circles with her fingers. “If you get to it before the stain sets, you can usually get the whole thing fixed right away. Washing stains with soap, or even using a dryer can make a stain permanent. See? It’s working so far.”

The white sleeve of the coat did indeed look almost normal, the tea stain dispersing into the water. After a full minute, the stain was gone completely. The rich high school students ‘oohed’, as if they’d just seen a magic trick, clapping politely. “Amazing,” Tamaki said with astonishment, his eyes lit up with inspiration. “Commoners really do think of everything! Let’s give it up for Haruhi, everyone!” A wave of congratulations issued from the small crowd, and Haruhi blanched a bit.

“I don’t really think this is anything special,” she muttered darkly. “I just cleaned it, that’s all. No need to make such a fuss.” She patted the sleeve dry with a small towel and set it carefully aside.

“Wow, Haruhi, I think it’s so great that you’re so self-sufficient!” a guest gushed, clasping her hands in front of her chest. “I could _never_ do something so undignified, and I’d just be lost on what to do!”

“So what do you think, Kyoya-senpai?” Haruhi asked, looked up at the Shadow King. “Is this good enough? You can’t even see the stain anymore.”

Kyoya’s eyes narrowed. “No, that should suffice,” he said reluctantly, the gears in his demonic mind clearly working on some new stratagem. He turned to the twins with a false smile. “Oh, and Hikaru and Kaoru? About that project we were working on. I may have underestimated your skills.”

“Oh, no he _didn’t_ ,” Hikaru snarled, anger flashing in his golden eyes, mirrored by Kaoru. “Alright, Shadow King, it’s on!”

Subtlety abandoned, the Host Club began their traps in earnest.

“Haruhi, take a look at this antique book from the Regency Era,” Kaoru said, tempting the known bookaholic with the intriguing, and very fragile, first edition copy by a famous author. “I heard a rumor you submitted a report on Susan Ferrier’s literary impact on Pre-Victorian equal gender education, and thought this might interest you!”

Haruhi accepted the old book, brushing her fingers over the aged cover with an air of reverence. “This is beautiful, Kaoru, really.” She handed it back without opening it, which would have caused the loose pages they’d altered inside to fall out. “But I don’t feel comfortable handling such an old book. It should stay in a protective cover. But I appreciate that you thought of me.”

“No problem,” her friend said through gritted teeth, walking away.

“Haru-chan, Haru-chan!” Honey-senpai sang, bounding up to her table. “Come play darts with me! European royalty used to play games like this all the time!”

“Did they really?” Hikaru checked with a whisper to his brother.

“No idea,” Kaoru responded. “It doesn’t matter at this point!”

Honey pulled the taller girl over to the dart board, which was situated between several expensive looking oil paintings. “It’s right here, see?” Haruhi’s mouth dropped.

“Is that the Mona Lisa?” she sputtered, pointing at a small painting of a smiling woman off to the side of the dart board. Other paintings from the Renaissance Era were propped up suspiciously close by, with the small dart board in the center.

“I’m afraid even my connections weren’t enough to secure that particular piece for this party,” Kyoya admitted as he walked by. “These paintings are all replicas.” He conveniently did not mention that the replicas themselves were no bargain.

“Oh,” Haruhi said, with a sigh of relief. “It looks so real that I was worried for a second there. Shouldn’t we move the dart board?”

“No, _no_!” Honey insisted, with huge eyes and an adorable shake of his head. “The royals used to play it just like this! For the sake of authenticity we have to leave it right there!”

“That doesn’t seem right,” Haruhi muttered, looking at the dart in her hands.

“It’s a lesser known fact of history!” the twins said in unison, shrugging as one. They threw their darts, hitting the target to a round of applause from their guests.

“It’s true,” Tamaki insisted, with an air of regality. “So many paintings were lost each year due to dart accidents, but they kept on playing! Tradition is a terrible, and yet oddly beautiful thing. In fact, I studied the famous painting of Joan of Arc which was destroyed by a particularly clumsy dart player in Spain the last time I was abroad!”

The members of the Host Club nodded in affirmation of his story. Meanwhile the guests had begun to talk. “I’ve never heard that fact before. How odd that our history teachers never mentioned it! I feel like I learn so much by coming here!”

Haruhi still looked doubtful. The Host Club held their breath, waiting to see if she would take the bait…

“Well, if they’re all replicas, I guess it’s okay,” the brunette girl finally consented, shrugging as she took aim at the dartboard. She threw, and hit the center in one shot. She aimed carefully, and her second dart came so close to the first the fins brushed together. “Alright, one more,” Haruhi muttered under her breath, biting her lip with concentration, and threw. “Darn, so close,” she said, her final dart just barely outside the tiny center ring.

The unreasonably pretty boys of the Host Club gaped.

“I used to play this with my dad during summer break,” Haruhi explained sheepishly, her hand on the back of her head. “He had this old dart board we used to practice against each other on. I got pretty good; looks like I haven’t completely lost my touch. Thanks for inviting me, Honey-senpai, this is a lot of fun!”

Tamaki beamed, posing with his fingers partially covering his face as if on the cover of an action movie. “You’re pretty good. But try _this_ on for size! _Ha!_ ” He threw his custom darts emblazoned with his own face like a ninja senbon, hitting an oil painting portrait right between the eyes.

“I think you killed it, senpai,” Haruhi said doubtfully, appraising his dart. “Well, that’s out of bounds, so try again.”

“Her commoner knowledge is ruining everything!” Kaoru hissed in frustration, out of earshot of the girl who was currently winning at a game of darts. “This is impossible. Maybe we should ask that naughty type kid to come for a day, didn’t he increase her debt by knocking something out of her hands?”

“It’s no good, Kyoya only held her responsible because a kid couldn’t pay him back,” Hikaru groaned, dragging his hand down his face. “And the little brat asked for a fortune when I tried to hire him to repeat his performance! As much as I hate to say it, I think we failed this mission.”

The darts game lasted for most of the remaining time, becoming especially popular when Haruhi started adjusting her guest’s arm and shoulder positions to throw more accurately. Once the club began winding down, Kyoya approached the twins.

“You two have been sitting here for some time now,” the black haired demon king noted. “Having trouble with our operation?”

“We gave up,” Hikaru shrugged, watching the end of the game without much interest. “We can’t succeed without making it way too obvious we were up to something suspicious.”

“Besides,” Kaoru pointed out, his lack of motivation obvious, “we’re not out of options yet. Maybe our next operation will go more smoothly.”

“I see,” Kyoya said, clicking his pen down as he made a note. “Well, you gave it your best efforts, I’m sure. I thought this might happen, so I prepared a backup just in case. Or rather, Tamaki created an extra plan during this club session, and toned it down until I deemed it physically possible to set up. We only have ten minutes left, so this may well be our final chance…”

The twins blinked their slanted golden eyes, sitting up straighter with obvious curiosity. “The Prince has a plan?”

“Ladies and Gentlemen,” Tamaki announced into a small microphone, as the lights dimmed and a spotlight illuminated him. “Thank you all for coming to our Host Club this fine day! We’ve prepared a special treat for our members. The first ever, ‘Impromptu Victorian Ball Dance’ event shall now commence! Please, stand to the side as we finish setting up our stage!”

The guests chattered excitedly as butlers cleared away the tables and chairs, clearing a large circle in the center of the club room. Pedestals circled the dance floor, with busts of ancient kings and queens and expensive tea sets displayed somewhat precariously on top of them. “First, let me introduce our Hosts,” Tamaki said into the microphone, as bright lighting from who-knew-where lit up the makeshift dancefloor. “As you no doubt noticed, all of us are dressed as royalty today, to better escort our Princesses. As a special treat, each of the Hosts will now perform a dance based off the monarch they represent. Please, welcome King Charles I, as portrayed by our own Mitsukuni Haninozuka!”

Honey pranced to the center of the floor, beaming happily at the girls. He wore expensive forest green robes, trimmed with speckled white fur. “King Charles ruled over three countries. I’ll be performing the traditional Sean-nós dance from Ireland today, like he may have done during his reign. But I think I’m _much_ cuter than King Charles, don’t cha think?” He winked at the guests, posing adorably, to squealing agreement.

Honey stomped and whirled, in a very good approximation of the Sean-nós dance, which he had learned after watching a single video roughly five minutes before. Haruhi’s expression changed to panic.

“A _dance_? Alone?” she sputtered, turning to the twins for help. “But I didn’t prepare anything. I don’t even know what I’d _do_!”

“There’s no help for it, since the Prince came up with the idea during club hours,” the twins said in unison, watching the conclusion of Honey’s dance. Mori was next, whirling a spear in an exotic warriors dance from Spain. “We all have at least basic training in many styles of dance, but I can see how this might be difficult for a commoner such as yourself. We’re up next. Good luck, Haruhi!”

The brown haired girl sputtered wordlessly as the twins glided to the dance floor to perform a French Bal-musette, leaving her alone. Kyoya watched from the side, a slight smirk on his lips.

“Don’t mess this up, Tamaki,” he murmured under his breath, watching the twins perform their rather roguish rendition of the Bal-musette. They whirled in the two person routine, dancing with each other instead of with a female partner, as if no one were watching their intimate fantasy.

“Now, ladies, please welcome Haruhi Fujioka to the stage!” Tamaki announced, as the twins swept into jaunty bows, their feathered hats held to their chests. “Our favorite scholarship student is dressed as none other than King James I today, a monarch noted for his impeccable fashion sense, and his preference for handsome courtesans. Therefore, in the interest of maintaining historical accuracy, and since I am also dressed as an English King, Haruhi and I will be dancing the classic waltz together. I hope you enjoy the show.”

Some of the panic faded from Haruhi’s eyes as Tamaki crossed the dance floor to where she stood. “My King,” Tamaki greeted, sweeping into an elegant bow. “Would you care to dance?”

The disguised girl took his hand, and they moved to the floor as the music began, stepping in time with each other.

“Sorry for the short notice,” Tamaki apologized, his low voice a murmur for her and her alone. He held her waist with one hand, moving slowly for her benefit. “I thought this would be fun, but forgot you don’t know much about dancing until just before we began. You seem to remember the waltz; I’m glad.”

Haruhi seemed to let go some of her grudge, breathing out in a sigh. She looked up at the Prince with a rueful smile. “I think I can handle the easiest dance known to mankind, senpai,” she said, as they whirled slowly across the gleaming tile floors. “Thank you for bailing me out. I don’t know what I would have done alone. And I wanted to say I’m sorry for giving you the cold shoulder these past few days. Don’t get me wrong, what you did was pretty insensitive, but I guess you were trying to help, in your own, weird, warped worldview.”

They circled the dance floor, and light glinted off Kyoya’s glasses.

 _“Now remember, Tamaki,”_ the vice president of the club had said, nearly twenty minutes prior. _“During the dance, you must lead her towards the bouquet of white roses on the pedestal. A small oil stain will be coating the tiles. Loosen your grip when she steps on it, and she’ll certainly bump into one of the displays on her way down. Haruhi is not a strong dancer, so once she falls, it won’t be surprising.”_

They whirled a bit faster as Haruhi gained some confidence, actually beginning to enjoy herself, to her immense surprise. “Hey, Tamaki-senpai?” she began tilting her head up to meet his eyes.

“What is it, Haruhi?” Tamaki asked, as they waltzed nearer to the one pedestal adorned with white roses. “You can tell me anything.”

Haruhi seemed bemused at his serious answer. “I don’t know what’s gotten into you guys today, but everyone was taking such good care of me, I really felt like royalty. I learned a lot of new things, and I had fun, to my shock.” She bit her lip, thinking over her words carefully. “I guess…being a member of the Host Club isn’t all bad.”

“ _Haruhi_ ,” Tamaki breathed, sucking in a shocked breath as his sapphire blue eyes went wide. They stepped nearer and nearer to the white rose bouquet. “You…you mean that? With all your heart?” His own heart stuttered, and he was temporarily silenced, moved beyond words.

“Well I don’t know if I’d say it like _that_ ,” Haruhi muttered, looking away. “But today was fun.”

Tamaki opened his mouth as if to speak, but closed it with a serene smile, holding her closer as he became hyper aware of the feeling of her skin where their hands touched…

His foot hit the oil slick, which he’d forgotten about as he was bewitched by the spell of their dance, and Tamaki flew into a nearby pedestal instead of Haruhi. The marble bust of Queen Anne wobbled and crashed to the floor, cracking in half at the neck.

The music cut off, as guests rushed forward to Tamaki. “Are you _okay_? Oh, Tamaki!”

Meanwhile, the twins surveyed the marble bust. “Poor Queen Anne,” they lamented dispassionately. “Imagine losing your head _twice_ in a row.”

Kyoya sighed, kneading the bridge of his nose off to the side, mentally marking today’s operation as a resounding failure.

A shriek cut through the club room. Glass shattered, stunning everyone into silence.

A beautiful blonde girl was on the ground, her eyes squeezed tightly shut, after slipping on the oil slick. Haruhi was hunched over her, shards of a teapot on display falling down her back. “Are you okay, princess?” she asked, winced at the impact. She’d seen the guest fall, and protected her before she could hit the pedestal, which really had no business being so near a dance floor.

“Haruhi, are you okay?” the girl asked hesitantly, her brown eyes flying wide when she saw the shattered teapot. “Oh no, the deluxe set…”

But Haruhi only shook her head. “You’re worth so much more than some old teapot, Princess. Can you stand?” The shell-shocked blonde nodded once, and Haruhi helped her to her feet.

“Haruhi, while that was very noble, I’m afraid you were the one who knocked over the teapot while protecting Miss Yamabuki,” Kyoya pointed out, a slight smile the only evidence of his surge of satisfaction. “Don’t worry. I’m sure you can pay it off.”

The twins weren’t so reserved, their eyes lighting up wildly as they flashed thumbs ups to each other. Mission success! And at the last minute no less.

“Oh _no_ , I just couldn’t accept that!” the blonde guest, Miss Yamabuki, declared passionately, standing up. “Please, let _me_ pay for the teapot, I can’t believe I was so _clumsy_!” She grabbed her small clutch purse, drawing out a small fortune of pocket money. “Would this pay off the damage, Kyoya-senpai?”

Silence descended on the club, as the Hosts held their breath. “He wouldn’t,” Kaoru said, his voice low, staring at the situation. “Won’t insurance pay for it?”

“If he takes the money, he can earn double!” Hikaru hissed, clenching his fists with tension. “This is the moment of truth. Does he care more about money, or Haruhi?”

The silence dragged on for what seemed like an eternity to the Host Club. Kyoya’s surprised expression changed to calculating shrewdness, but he paused, closing his eyes for a brief moment.

He smiled serenely. “Why, I think that will cover it,” the Shadow King said graciously, choosing money. He accepted the bills with an outstretched hand. “You’re lucky our guest is so kind, Haruhi. Please be more careful in the future.”

“You traitor!” the twins howled, wearing matching expressions of fury, having to be held back by Mori and Honey before they killed the vice president of the Host Club.

~o~

Half hour later, Haruhi had departed for home to work on an essay. The club members hung around gloomily as cleanups finished.

“Is Haru-chan really gonna leave?” Honey cried, his brown eyes huge as he hugged Usa-chan close.

“She might, thanks to Kyoya!” Hikaru snarled, his eyes still flashing with anger. Kaoru stuck his tongue out at the Shadow King rudely.

“We’ll have more chances,” Kyoya said, unaffected by their anger. “I made a rational decision. And we saw quite a profit from today’s operation, even if it was a failure…”

“He isn’t worth killing, Hikaru!” Kaoru protested, as his brother’s eyes blazed with fury. “Besides, there are too many witnesses!”

Tamaki paced in the meantime, a thoughtful expression on his face. “I wonder…” he mused out loud. “Maybe we’ve been going about this all wrong! Haruhi really enjoyed our club today. Perhaps, we should be focusing more attention on what _she_ likes, instead of trying to indebt her further to the club.”

The twins raised their hands. “Didn’t we already try this?”

“I’m not talking about highlighting the differences between our lifestyles. What if we tried catering to _her_ desires instead?”

Honey’s eyes lit up. “Like bringing her favorite cakes!”

“Or buying fancy tuna,” the twins quipped, looking at each other as they realized what he meant. “Actually, this could work.”

Tamaki was nodding, a plan already formulating in his mind. “Yes… _yes_! I know just the thing! We’ll throw a party for our Princess, no expense spared, with all her favorite things! We’ll find out what she likes, and create the ultimate tribute! Haruhi won’t even _think_ of leaving again!”

“We’ll need to work quickly,” Kyoya cut in, checking his notes. “According to my sources, Haruhi’s father has an appointment scheduled with a coin appraiser in three days.”

Tamaki stood straighter, his blue eyes flashing with determination. “In two days then! This time for sure, we’ll save our Haruhi!” he proclaimed grandly, their operation somehow turned into a ‘rescue mission’, as the club members rallied for phase three.

~o~


	4. Charitable Contributions

**Disclaimer: Reading fanfictions about ludicrously rich teenagers probably won’t make you a millionaire. Couldn’t hurt though.**

**~o~**

The next morning, the Host Club held an emergency planning meeting before school began.

“Alright, we have our goal,” Hikaru began, tapping a pointer stick at a large whiteboard scrawled with notes and diagrams. “Tomorrow marks the date of our ‘Save Haruhi Party’. We don’t have a lot of time, so we need to decide the details as soon as possible in order to get set up on schedule. We’ve already rented the Grand Ballroom at the school, so now we just need to fill it with everything Haruhi loves, so she _never_ wants to leave us. Who wants to go first?”

Tamaki’s hand shot up. “We need to make sure there is fancy tuna!” A chorus of nods and agreements met this proclamation.

“I think there should be cake!” Honey cut in seriously, Usa-chan held tightly in his arms. More agreement.

“I don’t care _what_ you bring, but why did we have to meet in my bedroom?” Kyoya snarled bad-temperedly, only half awake and extremely grumpy. Everyone in the room avoided meeting his demonic eyes, for fear of being turned to stone. Except Tamaki.

“Why, Kyoya, I’m surprised you have to ask!” the Prince gushed with all the energy of a morning ray of sunshine, slapping the irritable boy on the shoulder. The other members of the Host Club flinched as one at his obliviousness. “This room has excellent natural light, once I pulled back those giant blackout curtains at five am! And the ambience is _perfect_ for brainstorming, wouldn’t you agree?”

“Not to mention getting him to come to an early meeting that _isn’t_ in his bedroom is impossible,” Kaoru whispered to his brother.

Honey blinked, sidetracked. “Tama-chan, why do you have an American flag keychain on your bag?”

“ _What?”_ Tamaki exclaimed loudly, grabbing his bag. There was indeed a patriotic flag attached to his zipper...though not for either of his two countries. “Where did _that_ come from? I’ve been finding those flags everywhere this morning, even in my coffee foam! I even got burgers for breakfast, since apparently the servants heard me talking about them obsessively in my sleep, and I swear I saw a bald eagle outside my house! I didn’t even know they lived in Japan! Am I under some kind of weird curse?”

“Maybe you’re secretly part American,” Hikaru suggested, high fiving Kaoru discreetly behind his back. Their promised day of pranking was off to a wonderful start. It was worth convincing Tamaki’s servants that he secretly longed for a patriotic American breakfast, and borrowing the bald eagle from the nearest zoo. Later, he would find flags doodled in the margins of his notebooks, and find tea bags in his bathwater inexplicably.

“Or maybe you’re being haunted by the _ghost_ of an American,” Kaoru added on, mentally filing away a few more prank ideas centered around a patriotic ghost. “You should carry around some vegetables to ward it off.”

Kyoya rolled his eyes, but said nothing, allowing their pranks as promised in exchange for yesterday’s compliments to Tamaki, who looked horrified at the thought of being haunted. His phone rang, blasting the National Anthem of the USA, and he shrieked like a girl on reflex, jumping spastically. Kaoru ended the call, smothering his laughter.

“Let’s get back on subject for now,” Hikaru said. He finished writing ‘Fancy Tuna’ and ‘Cake’ on the board. “Do we have anything else for our Haruhi party?”

The Host Club stared at the board as one.

“This…” Hikaru began.

“…is actually pretty difficult,” Kaoru finished, frowning at the board. “Fancy Tuna is a given, but…what does Haruhi actually _like_?”

More silence.

“I think Haru-chan doesn’t hate penguins,” Honey added, after a long minute. Mori nodded at his side.

No one added onto this thought.

“Argh, this is _impossible_!” Kaoru exclaimed. “She has no hobbies or interests! How are we supposed to throw a party for such a bland person?”

“Hold on, Haruhi likes reading, doesn’t she? Why don’t we throw a bookworm party? We could all read, and eat snacks, and maybe even recommend novels to each other,” Hikaru suggested.

“Reading is no different from what she does every day. We need to stand out on our own, not mimic a normal afternoon in her life,” Kyoya deadpanned, shuffling over to his dresser with the speed and grace of a zombie. “But in the interest of wrapping this up as quickly as possible, I might have something that could help.”

He reached up to the painting over his dresser, and it swung outwards, revealing a reinforced black safe. He inputted a ten digit code, placed his thumb over a small sensor, and pulled down his glasses for a retina scan. The door opened, showing several stacks of thin boxes labeled neatly with the names of each member of the Host Club. Kyoya selected the much larger ‘Fujioka, Haruhi’ box, setting it carelessly on the blue comforter on his bed.

The Host Club members opened the box, and heavenly light shone within, illuminating their wide eyes. “No _way_ ,” Hikaru gasped out loud, his voice trembling.

“Is that what I think it is?” Kaoru breathed in reverent awe.

“Haruhi’s _BABY BOOK_?!” Tamaki screeched, snatching the cutesy pink scrapbook out of the box as if it were gold. “Where did… _how_ did…when did you _get_ this?”

“Ranka lent it to me,” Kyoya yawned, sitting heavily on the bed next to Tamaki. “I had a professional copy made. This book covers her birth to age twelve. There are two more books covering middle school, and her high school life so far. Clues to her likes and dislikes should be inside.”

“Wow, check it out, baby Haruhi,” Hikaru said, holding one end of the book while Kaoru held the other. He laughed out loud, pointing to the photo. “What the hell, she even looks bored as an infant!”

“Hikaru, look!” Kaoru exclaimed with wicked mirth. “She’s dressed as an elephant in this one!”

“We should be looking at later pictures,” Mori said impassively, picking up the second scrapbook. Honey peered over his shoulder, scanning the photographs and handwritten notes. His adorable eyes lit up.

“Hey, look here! Do you think we could…?”

“That’s a _great_ idea. We might need Renge’s expertise though…”

“Kyoya, can you put in a few calls?”

“Finally, we’re getting somewhere!” Tamaki said out loud, looking relieved. “Alright men, let’s get to work!”

~o~

“Thank you ladies for attending today’s club activities,” Tamaki said into a small microphone. He was dressed in a glittering silver suit, which would have looked overly flamboyant and ridiculous on anyone who wasn’t, well, _him_. “While we must part this time, I’m sure we’ll meet again in our shared dreams tonight…”

“I’m just glad today is over,” Haruhi said at her table, letting out a relieved sigh. “I don’t even know how to play half these games.”

The day’s theme had been ‘Casino Royale’. Different games were played at each club member’s station, with professional gambling equipment. Instead of money, guests played using special currency which was only good for Host Club merchandise, such as photographs and memorabilia. Neon lights and fake palm trees decorated the club room. The twins ran a successful Craps table, Honey had acquired an adorable ‘Bunny Roulette Wheel’ from who-knew-where, and Mori’s poker face was unbeatable. Kyoya’s Blackjack table had only lost four times, all of them to Tamaki, whose good luck was unreasonable. The King himself had used a Wheel of Fortune, with prizes like ‘one whispered love confession from Tamaki’, or ‘one loving caress from Tamaki’, along with the much coveted ‘one kiss’ and ‘one real life date’ options, which were significantly smaller than the rest.

Haruhi, not knowing _anything_ about gambling, was assigned to the slot machines, which gave vouchers for club merchandise when people won.

As guests began to filter out, chatting happily amongst themselves, the boys of the Host Club gravitated towards Haruhi. “Hey, Haru-chan!” Honey gushed, looking up at her adorably over Usa-chan’s head. “We have a surprise for you!”

Haruhi didn’t look quite as surprised as she was supposed to. “A surprise, huh,” she muttered under her breath.

“That’s right!” the twins said in unison, leaning their elbows on her shoulders. “And you can’t back out, or we’ll just drag you there.”

“Both of you, how could you be so rude?” Tamaki scolded. “Haruhi is our _guest_ , and should be treated as such.”

“Thank you, senpai!” Haruhi exclaimed, glaring at the twins.

“That being said, your attendance _is_ mandatory,” Tamaki concluded, and Haruhi blanched. “Come on now, Haruhi, chop chop, we’re wasting daylight!”

~o~

Tamaki led her down the halls towards the Grand Ballroom, his heart in his throat. Today’s plan _had_ to go well. It just had to!

Haruhi’s voice surprised him. “Hey, senpai? I have a confession about today.”

They were alone, the other members of the club having gone ahead to make sure everything was set up.

A confession? Tamaki made a tangible effort not to drift into a fantasy about Haruhi’s secret love confession in the theatre of his mind. “What would that be? You can tell me anything,” he said, stopping in the empty hallway to look at her directly. Haruhi looked _sheepish_ , almost guilty.

“Well…I actually already know what this surprise is going to be,” Haruhi confessed, looking to the side. “I didn’t want to try and act like I was shocked, since acting isn’t my strong suit, so I thought I’d just tell you beforehand.”

“You _know_?” Tamaki repeated out loud, aghast. Did she also know about their plan to keep her in the club through any means necessary? And about all the unethical things they’d tried? “Which one of those deceitful traitors told you? I want a name!”

“No, no, it wasn’t one of the Host Club members,” Haruhi said quickly. “Actually, Renge tipped me off. She told me to make sure I didn’t plan anything after the Host Club, since you guys were planning to show me something, and I figured it out from there. You’re really putting an effort into this project aren’t you?”

Haruhi was, of course, referring to their class project to put together a shipment for the schools fundraiser, “Education in Africa.”

Renge had been vague so as to ‘keep the secret’, but she’d let a few things slip, like how the club was ‘scouring the discount section of the supermarket’, and ‘shopping for clothing in bulk’. Naturally, Haruhi had assumed they were collecting colored pencils and clothes for charity. Most of the students were only writing checks with their families’ money. 

Haruhi gave the Prince a half smile that was truly affectionate. “I really like how you’re putting so much of a personal touch on the project, instead of just throwing a bunch of money at the problem. It shows how much you care about the important things in life, and how you’ve grown as a person since we first met. I really admire that!”

Tamaki blushed slightly, taken aback by her sudden sincerity. “W-well, while we _had_ just considered giving money as an offering, I see now that would have been a terrible idea.” He recovered somewhat, holding out his hand. “Shall we go inside? Even if you’ve guessed our secret, I don’t see why we can’t show off what we’ve put together for you.”

“Sure,” Haruhi said with a smile, taking his hand as he opened the doors to the Grand Ballroom, revealing the spectacle they’d set up inside…

The scholarship student stared with blank shock at the decked out ballroom.

A marketplace had been set up in the middle of the marble dancefloor, run by vendors who stood with military posture.

White tented stalls lined the edges of the room, with face painters and goldfish catching stations.

A metal corral filled with fake turf was in between the two grand staircases. A white pony pranced within, wearing a plumed feather hat.

‘The Grand Haruhi Festival’ was printed in rainbow lettering across a banner whose background was a collage of pictures of Haruhi’s face.

“Surprise!” the twins shouted in unison, shooting two mini confetti poppers. The members of the Host Club stood at the entrance to the ‘festival’, beaming at the shell shocked girl.

She found her voice. “Wh-what-what _is_ all this?” Sort of. “I mean…how did… _why_ did… _HUH_?!”

“It’s a surprise party,” the twins explained, gliding forward to each take one of her arms. “Let us show you around!” Haruhi went along with them automatically, her brain completely turned off with shock.

“Over here we have a complimentary massage parlor, with three of our family’s best massage therapists,” Hikaru began, showing her the lavish pavilion set to the side. Three specialists in white uniforms waved cheerfully at her. Zen music played softly, and she could smell jasmine. “They can also perform treatments such as hot stone massage, acupuncture, and a variety of spa services like facials.”

“We thought you deserved some relaxation, since you’ve been working so hard with school lately,” Kaoru explained. “All the beverages are complimentary.”

Honey bounded up to her, grabbing both of her hands in his own. “Haru-chan, Haru-chan, come look over _here_!” the young looking boy exclaimed, pulling her towards the next attraction before she could respond or process what she’d just heard. “We know how much you enjoy festivals, so we arranged for some party games and attractions! Look, you can win your own Usa-chan!” He pointed to a large group of bunny plushies in a ring toss game, though they were all violet instead of pink, and shaped a little differently. “Oh, but they aren’t quite the same, because Usa-chan is so special, eheh!”

“And here we have a supermarket, since I know how much you love them!” Tamaki said, directing her gaze to the row of market stalls. “Each vendor has the exact amount of your favorite ingredients that you usually buy, and best of all, it’s free! It’s like all the magic of the commoners market, brought directly to you! _Fantastic_ , isn’t it?”

“Why is everything lime green?” Haruhi asked finally, feeling faint. The vendors wore lime green suits, the banners were lime green, and so were all the shop signs. She regretted asking before the words were out of her mouth.

“Oh, Haruhi, don’t be silly!” Tamaki laughed. “You know full well that you mentioned in passing four months ago that that specific shade lime green was ‘kinda nice’!”

“R-right, how could I forget,” Haruhi said out loud, an edge of panic in her voice.

“There’s also pony rides!”

“-and lots of cake!”

“Look over here, this sushi chef will make fancy tuna on spot!”

“You might be interested in seeing this collection I borrowed from a local museum…”

“Look, Haruhi! Commoner toys, just like the ones in cereal boxes!”

“So?” Honey demanded, looking up at her face with a happy smile. “What do you think?”

“I…I think…”

Haruhi reeled. Her normal expectations of a class project had been swept aside by a glittering tornado of Host Club extravagance, complete with a pony like the one she’d ridden when she was twelve. Sure, she enjoyed festivals. Haruhi and her father used to go often when she was younger. “This is great, but…why _now_?” Haruhi blurted out, not knowing what else to say. “Isn’t there a festival in Okinawa next month? Why’d you rent the ballroom, a-and get all this _stuff_ for me?”

Tamaki exchanged glances with the Host Club members. “Why, we just remembered how much you hate crowds of people! And that’s the only reason! We weren’t on a time crunch at all!” Hikaru elbowed him hard.

“Now, now, Haruhi,” a new voice cut in. Ranka walked up, eating a chocolate covered banana from one of the stalls. “You’re being rude! Thank these nice boys for going to such trouble on your behalf!”

“Dad? What are you doing here?” Haruhi sputtered, caught off guard yet again. Ranka blinked, his flawlessly mascaraed eyelashes brushing his high cheekbones. He was dressed in a red women’s suit, with matching pumps, and his long hair was pulled into a stylish updo.

“Kyoya invited me, of course! We can’t have a Haruhi appreciation party without your dear father, now can we?” Ranka scolded her good naturedly.

“I guess you’re right,” Haruhi said. She let out a deep breath, and laughed, relaxing all at once. “Sorry, you guys just surprised me, that’s all! I was expecting something different. Thank you, really. This may be over the top, but I appreciate the thought. I just wish I knew where all this was coming from.”

The Host Club breathed a sigh of relief as she took the bait.

“You looked genuinely surprised,” Tamaki said, sounding pleased, though ‘overwhelmed beyond reason’ might have been a better description. “Didn’t Renge let our plan slip? Or were you just taken aback by the sheer fabulousness of our finished party?”

“Oh, this was _definitely_ a surprise,” the honor student muttered. “I heard you guys were shopping in the supermarket, and buying bulk clothes, so I assumed this was for our class project. You did do something for the Education in Africa fundraiser, didn’t you?”

The twins raised their wallets in sync. “We wrote checks, obviously.”

Haruhi blanched. “Of course you did.”

“How thoughtless. How lazy! I’m ashamed of both of you!” Tamaki declared, pointing an accusing finger at the twin red heads. “Just _throwing money at the problem_. To truly show you care, you should put real effort into such an important project; this proves you don’t care about the important things in life! You didn’t put a personal touch on your contributions at all!”

“Oh _really_ , and what ‘personal contribution’ did _you_ make, huh?” the twins deadpanned, using air quotes. “Because we heard you just wrote a check as well.”

Tamaki blanched, looking at Haruhi’s suspicious look. “While I _did_ contribute money, I also prepared a secret, secondary contribution! I would be glad to tell you all about it tomorrow.”

“Why not now?”

“B-because it’s a secret, that’s why!”

“Admit it, you didn’t do anything,” Haruhi deadpanned, crossing her arms. “You know senpai, while I appreciate this gesture, I would’ve been much happier if you’d supported charity with all this money, instead of wasting it all on me.”

Honey thought about it for a moment, touching his lips with his fingers in an adorable gesture. “I know!” he said, brightening at once. “I’ve decided! I’ll donate all the extra Usa-chan’s from the festival games to the charity shipment! I’m sure the kids will love them!”

“That’s great, senpai!” Haruhi said, smiling genuinely at the shorter blond. Tamaki looked around the room, and posed with a flourish.

“And I, will donate all the extra fancy tuna to the cause!”

“ _It would go bad_!”

But despite their disagreement, it was a good party.

Ranka spent most of his time being pampered in the massage parlor, but he played festival games with Haruhi, and won an Usa-chan the size of a bear. Haruhi was gifted a Tanuki pillow big enough to snuggle with for being ‘too cute’ in a clear set up, which she secretly liked for being so soft. She got a butterfly painted on her face at her father’s insistence, and Tamaki got so many face paintings he resembled an extremely childish gangster. The bug antenna headband he won did not help this situation, and the twins began calling him the ‘festival alien’.

When Haruhi finished her ‘shopping trip’, which she managed despite her embarrassment and her wooden movements, the twins unveiled their gift. “Tah-dah!” they said in unison, revealing a hanger of identical shirts. “We know how much you dislike the hassle of matching clothes, so we got you fourteen of the same shirt! And it matches everything!”

“Gee, thanks,” Haruhi muttered, looking at the odd shirt design they’d chosen, which was no doubt ‘fashionable’.

Mori caught her hand out of the blue. “Over here,” he said simply. The tall and silent boy led her to the corral with the white pony, who whickered when she saw him and cantered to his side. He pet the horse fondly, producing a small carrot to feed her.

“I forgot you had such a way with animals,” Haruhi said with bemusement. “How do I – _WHOA_!” Mori lifted her onto the saddle effortlessly, and on the pony’s back, she was taller than him for once. “T-this is nice and all, but I don’t really know what to do,” Haruhi admitted, as rigid as stone. “I haven’t done this in a really long time!”

“Relax,” Mori suggested simply.

She took a breath, and did so. He whistled twice, and the pony began to trot around the corral, happy to follow his orders. “I’m doing it!” Haruhi said, with a mixture of surprise and pleasure. “Hey, dad, check it out!”

The other boys of the Host Club watched her circle the indoor corral with inscrutable expressions.

“Looks like he stole the show,” Kyoya commented, as Haruhi actually laughed when the pony tossed her head and snorted.

“It’s always the quiet ones,” Hikaru griped. “We never saw this coming!”

“Haruhi! I call the next ride on Princess Snowflake!” Tamaki shouted exuberantly, oblivious to the sour mood of the other boys.

After her ride, Mori set Haruhi back down on the ground safely. She smiled. “That was really great! Thanks a lot, Mori-senpai!”

“Hm,” Mori said by way of acknowledgement, the faintest hint of a flush appearing on his cheeks as he looked away.

“I’m surprised you boys managed to find such a close match to the pony my Haruhi rode when she was twelve on such short notice. That feather looks just like the picture!” Ranka noted, appraising the white pony.

Haruhi’s head snapped up, and the boys of the Host Club froze as one.

“What do you mean they ‘found a close match’?” Haruhi asked suspiciously, narrowing her brown eyes.

Ranka blinked. “Why, they threw this party by combing through every detail of your baby books, didn’t you know? They spent several hours at our place asking me questions after school, while you were studying at the library! I enjoyed the chance to rant about my cute daughter, and all the adorable stories from your childhood!”

“ _Dad_!” Haruhi exclaimed in a rare show of emotion, flushing bright red in an instant. “Those stories are all embarrassing!” A thought occurred to her, and a look of horror dawned over her face. “You didn’t tell them the story about the beagle, did you?”

“You mean the one where you asked a stranger if you could hold their puppy and then walked away with it?” Hikaru interjected. “Nope, we never heard it!”

“ _Especially_ not the part where you got all the way home before you were caught, and cried when your dad made you give it back,” Kaoru snickered. “If you hadn’t been nine, you could’ve gone to prison for puppy-napping.”

“My personal favorite was the story of how a five year old Haruhi scolded one of Japan’s top lawyers for not sitting with proper posture at their table, and gave him lessons on apposite speaking so he could win more cases,” Kyoya cut in dryly, light glinting off his glasses.

“I liked the ballerina story where Haruhi got sent to the back of her recital for glaring at everyone for making her dance!” Tamaki added in exuberantly.

Haruhi absorbed all of this in a detached state, as if she were a ghost watching her own body, wondering how she was going to live the rest of her high school days in peace now that her immature best friends had a hold of every embarrassing thing she’d done since she was born.

Honey bounded up to the red-faced girl, looking up at her pleadingly. “Haru-chan, don’t feel bad! We all did embarrassing stuff when we were kids! Taka-chan once walked straight into a light pole because he was staring at a bird!” Mori flinched at this reminder, looking away.

“Yeah, and Kaoru couldn’t sleep in his own bed because he was scared of the dark!”

“That was _you_ , Hikaru!”

“Tamaki still sleeps with a teddy bear to this day,” Kyoya said with an air of amusement. “He even brings it on airplanes.”

“I told you that in _confidence_!” Tamaki complained indignantly, his voice thick with betrayal. Kyoya just smiled.

“See, Haruhi?” Ranka said, beaming at his daughter. “It wasn’t out of line at all! Everyone messes up as kids, and these boys thought your childhood stories were adorable. I’m sure you won’t get made fun of. They even told you some of their embarrassing stories to even things out.”

Haruhi was not convinced. “I guess,” she muttered darkly under her breath.

Everyone jumped when Tamaki’s phone rang, blasting the American National Anthem.

“Argh, I’ve changed this to normal dozens of times now!” Tamaki complained, snatching his phone from his pocket. “It just keeps coming back! It’s been _days_! Am I really being haunted?”

“Here, senpai, let me,” Haruhi said with a sigh, holding out her hand. “I know how to fix it.”

“You do? But I’ve tried everything!” Tamaki said, indeed sounding desperate. “I even bought a new phone! Changing the ringtone back doesn’t work for very long!”

“Oh, I’m not changing the ringtone,” Haruhi deadpanned, flipping open the Prince’s phone. “I’m setting a password so the twins can’t keep switching it.”

Tamaki glared at the twins, who shrugged in unison, not bothering to deny it. “You _devils_!”

The twins ran, weaving between stalls while Tamaki chased them. It was amazing they could run so fast while laughing so hard.

Haruhi looked at the phone screen and blinked. Furious anger rolled off her in waves, and anyone who looked closely could see the black aura surrounding her like a demonic shroud. “Tamaki, what is this?” the scholarship student demanded. “ _Why am I your background photo?_ ”

“I’m sure it isn’t that bad!” Honey protested, peering over her shoulder. His mouth fell open in an ‘o’. “Tama-chan! You should be ashamed of yourself!”

“What did he do?” the twins demanded, ducking behind Haruhi to look. Two sets of golden eyes blinked simultaneously, and came up to stare at the Prince in shock.

Tamaki flinched as Haruhi’s glare came to rest on him, nearly rivalling Kyoya’s expression in the mornings. “Now, Haruhi, I understand why you’re upset, but you must know I only thought that baby photo was adorable! And look, the bubbles cover everything!”

Kyoya and Mori realized the photo in question was a picture of an infant Haruhi bathing at the same time. Kyoya sighed deeply, marking today’s operation as a ‘failure’ in his black book with a silver pen on spot, wondering idly if he should call an ambulance for their idiot prince after Ranka was finished with him.

~o~

“This is unfair!” Tamaki pouted, covered in bandages and bruises. “Why am _I_ the only one banned from Haruhi’s house for eternity? We all saw her baby book!”

“True, but none of _us_ made a photo of Haruhi bathing their background picture,” Kyoya pointed out mildly, though his irritation was beginning to show. Every operation thus far had been a failure. He took out his frustration by cutting Tamaki to shreds without mercy. “Frankly, you’re lucky Ranka didn’t call the police. A lifetime ban is more than fair, considering your inappropriate behavior. I haven’t ruled out contacting the authorities yet myself.”

“It was a baby picture!” the Prince defended himself, as every male in the Host Club glared at him as one. “No one cares if infants wear clothes, they just think it’s cute! And since I am basically Haruhi’s father, there is nothing wrong with my actions!”

“He said he got a new phone since we visited Ranka, which means he still has the picture saved on his computer at home,” Kaoru muttered to Hikaru. “We should set his laptop on fire, just to be safe.”

“No arguments here.”

“Don’t you think that’s going overboard?” Tamaki demanded. “I’m sure Haruhi will reflect on her reaction, and decide I didn’t do anything wrong after all!”

“I wouldn’t hold your breath,” Mori deadpanned.

“Actually, that’s a great idea. Hold your breath until Haruhi forgives you!” Kaoru cut in, crossing his arms.

“We did see the photos too, but you really crossed the line!” Honey admonished in his cutesy voice.

“Enough!” Hikaru said, sending the room into silence. He waited for a few moments before he began. “While I understand your frustrations, everyone needs to remember that we still have a job to do. Everything we’ve tried has failed, and even if ninety percent of it has been Tamaki’s fault,” he said, pausing to glare at the blond prince, “there is still the matter of Haruhi’s debt to consider. We’ve tried convincing her we’re too incredible to leave, increasing her debt further, and even throwing her a party out of the blue. Nothing has worked. It’s time for _my_ plan to go into effect, as an _absolute last resort_.”

Hikaru took a deep breath, commanding the attention of all the boys in the room. “We’re out of options, and we’re out of time. Tomorrow during school, we steal the coin. ‘Operation: Rogue Ninja’ begins now.”

~o~

 


	5. Stealth Mode Activated

 

**Disclaimer: I don’t own the franchise, but if I did, I would 100% go completely overboard with my newfound power.**

**~o~**

It was a normal day in Haruhi Fujioka’s neighborhood. The sun was shining, fluffy clouds floated serenely through the air, and civilians went good naturedly about their errands. But if anyone looked closely, they might notice the men in dark uniforms standing in strategic locations around the block, the small cameras in the bushes, or the nondescript sedan with tinted windows parked in the shade…

“ _Red Devil One, reporting. Everything is prepared for our end of the operation.”_ The transmitter clicked as Hikaru’s voice cut off.

“ _Cupcake Warrior is in position! We’re ready when you are, boss!”_

Kyoya lifted his radio to his lips from inside the air conditioned car. “ _It occurs to me we shouldn’t have let Tamaki choose our code names.”_ Static screeched over the speaker as Tamaki broke in.

“ _I told you to refer to me as ‘King’! You have to use the code names for a secret operation! Now are you ready or not, Demon Lord Hades?”_

Kyoya Ootori rolled his eyes. “ _Yes, I have a visual on all of you. I’ll monitor your progress, along with any possible complications.”_ He paused for a moment, and spoke into the radio again. “ _Give it your best efforts, everyone. This may well be our last chance.”_

“ _Right!”_

Tamaki was up first. He strode gorgeously into the apartment complex, sweeping back his flawless golden hair to better show off his sapphire blue eyes. He wore a fitted suit of navy blue, complete with diamond cufflinks, an Armani tie, and shoes more expensive than an average car. The Prince held a bouquet of a hundred pristine white roses arranged with white baby’s breath and delicate violet ferns. The fronds were draped with strings of seed pearls.

He walked straight to the small management building near the complex with a prize winning smile and unrealistic amounts of natural charisma. His job was simple. Flirt with the landlady in order to get a key to Haruhi’s apartment. They’d met briefly during Tamaki’s first visit, and he’d won her over with ease.

Personally, Tamaki didn’t think they needed so many back up plans and alternate options. After all, his good looks were guaranteed to open any door he desired, no matter how difficult the situation…

A stocky middle aged man sat behind the desk in the management office. He glared at Tamaki with deep set eyes, his voice thick with suspicion. “Wadda you want?” he said gruffly, folding his burly arms covered in hair.

Tamaki recovered from his surprise quickly. “Why hello, good sir, I was wondering if the landlady was in. I need to have a private word with her.”

The balding man’s forehead furrowed deeply. “You mean my wife? She’s out today. Either get on with it, or get moving.” He eyed the massive flower bouquet. “Those ain’t for her, right? You trying to take my woman?”

“No, no, of _course_ not!” Tamaki floundered, taken aback. “Actually, these are for you!” The landlord stared at him with silent judgement, looking a bit disgusted. “To give to her!” Tamaki added hurriedly, holding out the bouquet. “For you, to give to her! Consider this a token of my appreciation for all your hard work as an apartment manager!”

The man’s thick eyebrows went up, and his tone became lighter as he took the flowers. “Oh. Well thank you, I’m sure she’ll like them. Not sure about all this frou-frou crap, but they’ll do. Now what can I do for you?”

Tamaki leaned one elbow against the counter, showing off his best dazzling smile. “I need a key to the Fujioka residence. I’m a good friend of Haruhi, here to pick up a book I left here the other day. But alas, I misplaced my key! I’m sure you understand.”

“No can do,” the landlord said, taking a huge bite out of a powdered donut. “Ranka says there’s a pervert on the loose who might try to gain access. I’m supposed to kick them to the curb.” He gave Tamaki a shrewd look, as if just noticing his facial features. “Actually, he kinda looks like you. I’ve got a photograph and everything. You some kind of pervert?”

“ _What_? Of course not, don’t be ridiculous!” Tamaki stammered, standing up straight. “I am a normal father, and by no means a pervert!”

“You look a little young to be a father,” the landlord grumbled, pulling a picture from his desk. It showed Tamaki lying unconscious on the floor after Ranka had beat him half to death with his purse the previous day. “Hey, this _is_ you! You’re gonna have to stay here so the authorities can work this out.”

“What? No, you don’t understand! I-I was framed! Framed, I tell you!”

Kyoya drew a line through Tamaki’s name on his clipboard, listening in with the wire under the Prince’s tie. He spoke into the radio. “ _Red Devil One, Red Devil Two, you’re up. Tamaki is currently…distracting the building manager, so you have a small window. I trust you won’t need much time?”_

 _“Don’t worry, we’ve got this. We’ve been picking locks since we were four!_ ”

 _“But which of us is Red Devil One, and which is Red Devil Two?”_ another voice on the radio said. “ _Can you tell us apart?_ ”

The twins walked into the apartment complex as if they belonged, ignoring the calls for help from the building managers office. They wore nondescript dark clothing, and matching baseball hats. When they reached Haruhi’s building number on the second floor, Hikaru yawned, leaning against the doorframe while Kaoru crouched down to the lock.

After a long sixty seconds, Hikaru spoke. “You’re taking too long. Hurry it up, will you?”

“I’m _trying_ ,” Kaoru said between gritted teeth, his forehead creased with concentration. “One of the pins is stuck!”

“So _un_ stick it,” Hikaru suggested. “It can’t be that hard.” He discreetly tried to open the window next to the front door, only to find it locked. Meanwhile, Tamaki escaped the management office, bolting down the street. The landlord shouted, following after him on foot.

“Do _you_ want to try?” Kaoru demanded, holding the pick and the tension wrench steady.

“Fine, maybe I will!” Hikaru shot back, taking over from his brother without releasing the pressure on the tension wrench. “I can’t believe you’re having this much trouble on a deadbolt.”

Kaoru watched him fiddle with the pins for a while. “You’re applying too much pressure to the tension wrench, you need to loosen it.”

“If I loosen it, the previous pins will fall!” Hikaru shot back, focusing all his attention on the lock.

“If it’s too tight, you won’t be able to push up the last pins!”

“I know what I’m doing! It was me who broke into dad’s office, wasn’t it?”

“Be more gentle with it!”

The thin metal of the tension wrench snapped, and the knob clicked as all the pins fell back into place. The twins swore loudly and creatively, and Kyoya struck off their names with a flick of his pen.

 _“Silent Samurai, you’re up next_. _Cupcake Warrior, you go too. The back of the building is clear of civilians, and it looks like the landlord should be returning shortly. It seems ‘King’ was able to escape.”_

Mori spoke into the radio clipped to his electrician’s uniform. “ _Understood_. _”_ The tall boy picked up his toolbox, headed towards the management building on foot.

 _“I’m all ready here_!” Honey announced via his walkie-talkie, stretching out his arms and legs. He breathed deep, centering himself. He leapt to grab the lowest branch of the elm tree behind the complex, swinging himself up into the canopy.

The landlord lumbered back into the apartment’s management building alone, grumbling under his breath. His eyebrows shot up when he saw the tall man standing in his office, wearing a non-descript grey jumper emblazoned with the logo of a large electricians company. “Hey,” Mori intoned, nodding slightly.

“Something wrong with the power? I ain’t heard nothing.”

“It’s an internal issue between the alternator and the switch,” Mori said by way of explanation, though he had no idea what he was actually saying. “I’ll need access to some of the wiring, and I’ll be on my way.”

“You people never call ahead, do ya?” the landlord complained, pulling out a large wad of papers from his desk. “You with Corporate Electric? Fine, fine, I’ll get you squared away. What apartments are affected by this issue?”

“The second floor.”

“Why just the second floor?”

“Probably blown fusing in an apartment.”

“How did that happen?”

Mori shrugged. The landlord looked at him shrewdly. “You don’t talk much, do ya? I like that. Let me get my keys.”

Kyoya spoke over his handset, typing on the computer in the seat next to him with one hand to adjust the cameras. “ _Silent Samurai is on route. We may not need you after all, Cupcake Warrior.”_

Mori walked behind the landlord sedately. His eyes widened when they walked straight past the stairs to the second floor, instead walking to a plain metal door around the corner. The landlord unlocked it with his keyset, revealing a small room with several breaker boxes, a plethora of wires, and a backup generator. “Here you go! Everything you need for the electrical systems will be in here. Fix whatever you need to. I’ll leave you to it.”

He walked away, leaving Mori to stare into the electrical room blankly.

The Shadow King sighed. “ _It would seem I spoke too soon. Silent Samurai, stay there for the time being, and try to look busy. In a few minutes, inform the landlord the problem lies in the wiring of apartment 203. Perhaps the family overloaded a socket, causing damage to the main system. Just make it sound plausible, and don’t give too many details. For now, Cupcake Warrior will attempt to access the apartment.”_

Honey leapt to another branch, climbing higher. His voice crackled over the radio. “ _I have a clear path to the balcony. I’m going in!”_

The martial artist balanced himself in a crouch on the wide branch of the elm tree. He stilled his mind and ran along the branch, pushing off at just the right angle. He soared over the railing, and rolled on impact with the balcony of Haruhi’s apartment. _“I’ve made contact! The door is unlocked!_ ”

“ _Talk about lax security, who doesn’t lock the back door of their second story apartment?”_ Hikaru scoffed over the radio.

Honey slid the door open carefully, padding silently onto the tatami floor mats. The apartment was dark, with shades pulled over the windows. It smelled odd, almost musky.

His foot landed on a tail. Furious yowling filled the air as the family cat attacked Honey with a vengeance. “Sorry, kitty cat, it was an accident!” Honey apologized, backing away from the hissing creature trying to eat his pant leg. He hadn’t known Haruhi even _owned_ a cat!

As he backed away, he tripped on another cat. His hand caught the cord of the blinds on his way down, spilling sunlight into the oddly unfamiliar room.

 _“We have a problem!”_ Honey’s voice said through the radio. The twins and Tamaki had joined Kyoya in the back of the car down the road, and they winced at the sounds coming over the line. “ _I think this is the wrong apartment! Wah, there’s like thirty cats in here! Good kitty, good kitty, shhhh, quiet down! Ow-! They’re everywhere! I don’t think I’m gonna make it out!”_

The line went dead, nothing but static coming through.

Tamaki spoke first. “He was a brave man. One of the best I’ve ever known.”

“Poor Honey-senpai,” Kaoru said, wincing in sympathy.

“Done in by cats. What a terrible way to go,” Hikaru agreed.

Manly tears filled Tamaki’s eyes, and his voice was thick with emotion as he grabbed the radio from Kyoya. “ _Silent Samurai, it’s all up to you now! Don’t let our fallen comrade’s sacrifice be in vain! We believe in you!”_

Mori nodded silently in response, walking with new determination back to the landlord’s office.

“No can do,” the gruff man said firmly. “I need the resident’s permission to grant access to any outsider, and to provide written notice of such a visit at least twenty four hours in advance. I’m afraid I’ll have to call you back later. Leave a card, and I’ll get back to you tomorrow.”

Mori walked back to the dark sedan, joining the despondent Host Club in the back. It was starting to get cramped.

“Does this mean the entire operation is a failure?” Kaoru asked, his voice rising with panic.

“We need a new plan, that’s for sure!” Hikaru said, frustration beginning to seep into his tone.

Meanwhile, Honey made it back to the car. He was covered in scratches and leaves, apparently having escaped via the trees. His big brown eyes were hollow and traumatized. “Taka-chan, they were _everywhere_! I didn’t know what to do!”

Mori patted Honey’s head. “You did your best,” he assured the smaller boy, who began to cry in earnest.

Kyoya alone seemed unaffected. He slipped his laptop into a case and stowed his notebook. “Tachibana, I’ll need a distraction. Please call the landlords office, and enquire about any available apartments as a potential buyer. Ask questions about stores in the area to keep him looking at the map behind his desk.”

His driver nodded once, removing a sleek silver cell phone from his suit pocket.

“You five,” Kyoya said, addressing the Host Club which had somehow managed to cram itself into the back of his car. “Come with me, and try to act natural.” He got out of the car, leaving his laptop behind. Wondering what he was up to, the members of the club followed him.

The Shadow King led them right past the office, where the landlord was deeply engrossed in a conversation with Tachibana, facing the wall. Next they went up the stairs, until all six of them were outside apartment 203.

Kyoya put a key into the lock, and opened the door. He walked inside, gesturing for the others to follow. Tamaki’s mouth dropped open, and Hikaru had to slap his hand over the King’s mouth before he could shout. Kaoru shushed the club leader, pulling everyone inside.

Once the door closed behind them, Tamaki grabbed Kyoya’s shoulders, his voice a furious whisper of betrayal. “ _Why didn’t you tell us you had a key?_ Did you have that the _entire_ time? Answer me, you demon lord!”

“You never asked,” Kyoya said dispassionately, as Tamaki shook him. “I would have mentioned it during our break in planning session, but you were all dead set on trying your own approaches. I have to say, watching your failed attempts at espionage was highly entertaining.”

_“WHY YOU-”_

“ _Shhh_ ,” Hikaru hissed, smacking Tamaki’s arm. “Quiet down! You want to get caught _now_? Save it for later, we have a job to do!”

Tamaki made a visible effort to contain himself, glaring furiously at Kyoya. “Alright men, spread out! Find the Morgan Dollar as quickly as possible! We only have an hour left before Ranka is due home from his shift! Remember, failure is not an option!”

They spread out, searching the Fujioka apartment as carefully as they could. But the Morgan Dollar wasn’t in any of the more obvious locations, and little by little, the members of the filthy rich elite started to get distracted by unusual trinkets of the commoner’s lifestyle…

“Wow, check it out!” Honey said, poking the screen of the TV after searching the drawer adjacent to it. “The screen is actually curved! I don’t think I’ve seen a television that wasn’t a flat screen. I wonder if the picture is distorted?”

“Probably not,” Mori intoned, reaching the higher shelves with ease as he searched.

“Is this supposed to be a coffee maker?” Hikaru asked, peering at the simplistic machine. “It only has one setting. How are you supposed to make caramel frappuccinos? There’s not even a slot for flavor packs.”

“Maybe they don’t even know what a frappuccino is, Hikaru!” Kaoru gasped.

“Personally, I’m more interested in these supermarket coupons,” Kyoya murmured, flipping through the printed pages. “It would seem I’m seriously overpaying for school supplies.”

But despite their distractions, after another quarter hour of careful search, they found nothing.

Tamaki finished searching through the desk in the main room. He walked into Haruhi’s bedroom, and found the twins already rifling through the top drawer of her dresser. Hikaru held up a tank top. “I’m amazed Haruhi can fit all her clothes in one dresser.”

“We have an entire walk in closet at our place,” Kaoru agreed, sifting through socks. “And that’s just for suits.”

“ _What do you two think you’re doing_?” Tamaki demanded, keeping his voice down. “Those are Haruhi’s personal belongings! That’s a violation of her privacy!”

Hikaru looked over his shoulder to give him a patronizing look. “I think we passed that point a long time ago. Besides, what if the Morgan Dollar is in here?”

“Oh, what have we _here_?” Kaoru said wickedly, holding up a pair of leopard print panties decorated with a cute pink bow. Hikaru’s eyebrows shot up, and he whistled long and low.

“Put those back!” Tamaki hissed, his face blossoming to a bright tomato red. “ _Kaoru_! Put those back this instant!”

“Haruhi is more daring than I realized. I never would’ve guessed,” Hikaru said, seeming impressed. Tamaki’s face had gone a bright cherry red. He snatched the underwear from Kaoru and threw it back into the drawer.

“This has gone too far! I’m aborting the mission now!”

He went quiet at the sound of a key in the front door. Everyone heard it, and froze in place. They met eyes, and silent communication passed between them. The six trespassers bolted into Haruhi’s room, just barely sliding the door shut before someone else entered the apartment.

“Who is it?” Kaoru whispered, trying to peer through the crack in the door.

“Haruhi!” Hikaru reported, getting a better view. “Why is she home early? This isn’t good, everyone hide!”

Haruhi set down her keys on a table, slinging her bag off her shoulder. Meanwhile, the Host Club hid silently in her room, concealing themselves as much as possible. She blinked, looking around the apartment as if noticing subtle differences in the way it usually looked.

She walked towards the door of the bedroom, and opened it. She flicked on the lights.

“You guys know I can see you, right?” the honor student deadpanned, folding her arms. “This apartment isn’t big enough to hide in.”

Honey was mostly hidden in the laundry hamper, the twins had attempted to fit under the too short bed, Tamaki was halfway hidden by the dresser, and Kyoya was seated in the darkest corner of the room. Mori stood behind a lamp, being too tall to hide anywhere.

Tamaki broke his statue impression first. “Why, _Haruhi_ , how nice to run into you! We just happened to stop by, to surprise you! You’re home early I see!”

“Drop the act, the landlord called me after two suspicious people tried to get access in one afternoon,” Haruhi said, clearly not buying it. “I left study hall early. What are you guys doing in my dad’s room?”

Whatever Tamaki had been about to say died on his lips. He looked with horror towards the dresser containing the panties. “Your…your _DAD’S ROOM?!”_ he screeched, recoiling with physical disgust.

“ _I touched them!_ ” Kaoru wailed, the twins having just made it out from under the bed. He thrashed as if in actual pain, as Hikaru leaned heavily on the mattress for support. “I can never use these hands again!”

“I can’t unsee it…the image is branded into my brain forever!” Hikaru sobbed, covering his eyes with an arm. “Someone get me some bleach to pour into my eyes!”

Kyoya sighed, rising to his feet as the three troublemakers of the club writhed in agony, falling to the ground. “Why don’t we talk in the main room?” he suggested, surprisingly calm for someone who had just gotten caught trespassing. “I believe we owe you an explanation.”

It took a few minutes to calm down the traumatized trio enough to move them into the other room. They stared sightlessly at nothing, like soldiers who couldn’t stop seeing the horrific images of war, quite possibly scarred for life. Haruhi followed Kyoya’s lead, and ignored them.

“So what’s really going on? You guys have been acting strangely all week. I want the truth, or I’ll never speak to any of you again, clear?”

Tamaki flinched, this threat bringing him partly back to life. “Haruhi, there is a perfectly rational explanation for all of this, I swear! You see, it all started when…”

He trailed off, seeing her glare and pursed lips, because beneath the anger, a touch of true hurt and betrayal shone in her warm chocolate eyes.

Tamaki sighed, abandoning the story he’d been about to tell. “It was all my fault. These five just went along with my plans. Let me start from the beginning.”

It took some time to finish the tale, from start to finish. Once Tamaki finally fell silent, Haruhi looked down, processing what she’d been told.

“So this is all about the coins Takumi-senpai gave me?”

“Yes,” Tamaki admitted, closing his eyes with resignation. The normally rambunctious Host Club was downcast, awaiting her judgement. “Actually, one of them is extremely valuable. With the funds from selling it, you could be free of your debt to the Host Club forever. I know our actions are inexcusable. I truly hope you can forgive us.”

Haruhi blinked. “I already knew the Morgan Dollar was valuable. I’ve looked into getting it sold it to a museum overseas,” she said matter off factly, and Tamaki blanched in shock. “My dad is getting the final appraisal done today.”

“Haruhi…you’re really leaving us?” Tamaki breathed, with an expression like he’d been stabbed out of the blue and hadn’t fully registered the pain yet. Mori and Honey were both silent with shock.

Hikaru gritted his teeth, standing up suddenly. “Fine. I guess this whole thing has been pointless then, hasn’t it? Well I never wanted you around anyways, you hear me? Who would want to spend time with a bland girl like you?!”

Kaoru stood as well, grabbing his brother’s arm before he could storm off. “ _Hikaru_ ,” he protested, worry coloring his words. His brother wouldn’t look at him, his shoulders shaking.

“Let go of me, Kaoru!”

“All of you, sit down!” Haruhi demanded, slamming her hands down on the table. She glared at the twins, her tone brooking no argument. “I’m not going anywhere, I’m donating the money to our charity project!”

Hikaru whirled, his gold eyes wide with shock, mirroring the expression on Kaoru’s face. “You are?”

“Of course I am!” Haruhi retorted angrily. “I promised myself I would work off my debt honestly, without taking a handout from someone else! Takumi-senpai was wasting money like a typical, ridiculous rich kid, so I decided to use the funds to help children who are actually in need! Do either of you have a problem with that?”

The Host Club stared at her for a long moment. Honey-senpai broke first, flinging himself across the table to hug the brown haired girl. “ _Haru-chan_!” he wailed, hugging her tightly. “Don’t ever scare us like that again!”

Haruhi sighed with exasperation. “I really don’t know what I’m going to do with you guys. I am going to pay off my debt eventually you know. Why would you feel like you had to pull so many ridiculous stunts? Even if I wasn’t in the Host Club, we’d still see each other around school.”

“It wouldn’t be the same,” the twins said simultaneously, a little subdued. It didn’t last long. They looked up mischievously, poking at Haruhi’s cheeks with a matching set of wicked grins. “ _Sooo_. You like us after all, don’t you? You secretly _enjoy_ being a member of our Host Club. Admit it!”

“I do not!” Haruhi deadpanned immediately, smacking away their hands. “And stop that, will you?” The twin’s smiles only grew wider. “Did you guys really think we wouldn’t be friends if I paid off my debt?”

“W-well, the thought _had_ crossed our minds,” Tamaki stuttered, looking embarrassed.

“I’m all for you paying back your debt, but I have to admit your natural charm would be difficult to replace in our club,” Kyoya admitted, shrugging nonchalantly.

“We’d miss you,” Mori said, his gaze steady.

“Well you were worried over nothing!” Haruhi retorted. She sighed, taking a moment to collect herself. “Of course we would still be friends. You guys drive me crazy, but you’re a part of my life now…and I can honestly say I don’t hate having you around.”

Tears welled up in the twins eyes at this speech, which for Haruhi, was basically a confession of love. “Haruhi!” Kaoru wailed, hugging her tightly. “We don’t hate you either!”

“We’ll all be friends forever, even if we have to deal with Tamaki for the rest of our lives!” Hikaru promised, his voice thick with emotion as he joined the hug. “But I still think he’s the most annoying human being on the planet!” Honey held her tightly around the waist, saying her name over and over again.

“Alright, that’s enough, let me go!” Haruhi complained, trying to free herself from the group hug. It didn’t work. Tamaki joined as well, and she resigned herself to her fate.

Mori stood up as well, standing in front of her. But instead of embracing her like the others, he put his hand on her head, without saying a word. Haruhi’s eyes widened slightly, and she smiled fondly at him.

“While this is all very touching, I feel I should point out that Ranka will be home soon,” Kyoya pointed out, still seated across the table. “And if he finds Tamaki here, we may have to arrange for a funeral.”

The hug broke apart at this sobering reminder. “You really still think of us as friends?” Honey asked, looking up at her worriedly, needing one final verification.

“Yeah, I still do,” Haruhi affirmed, a half smile on her lips. She remembered all the horrible things Tamaki had done in the past week, and her stare turned icy as she faced him. “Well. _Most_ of you.”

The Prince looked like he’d been shot, lightning flashing behind him as he held out a hand to her despairingly. The twins smiled brightly, linking arms without seeming to notice Tamaki’s agony. “Well, that settles that!” they said in unison, without a care in the world. “Sorry we caused such a mess, but we’re glad everything is cleared up now!”

Haruhi’s sudden scorching glare had them backpedaling. “Oh, just because we’re friends doesn’t mean I’m not still mad at you guys! What were you thinking, breaking into my house and pulling all this crap? Go home, we’ll talk tomorrow at club!”

~o~

The next club was uneventful and almost peaceful; just another normal day, without even a theme to spice things up. The members of the Host Club wore their pale blue school uniforms, chatting with the pretty girls at their tables. Haruhi had attracted a few more regulars, cutting down her debt bit by bit, and her contentment shone like the sun, though she still gave the boys of the club the cold shoulder.

The twins weren’t having it. They had been on Haruhi’s bad side for less than a day, and were already demanding to be set free.

Haruhi stood with an apology to her guests to get more tea, and the twins ambushed her at the refill station. “You guys again,” Haruhi said coldly, annoyed but unsurprised.

“Forgive us!” the twins demanded, in a tone which was decidedly not apologetic.

“Enough is enough, we said we were sorry!”

“So why don’t you forgive us, and come hang out with us after school!”

“We _are_ hanging out after school,” Haruhi pointed out. “And this is the twenty third time you’ve apologized today!”

“So say we’re forgiven, and we’ll stop annoying you,” Hikaru suggested.

“It will be easier on all of us,” Kaoru agreed.

“Say it!” they demanded in unison, and Haruhi turned away, muttering under her breath about ‘having to deal with toddlers’.

The twins sat back down haughtily, crossing their arms. Kyoya looked up idly at them. “Still no luck with Haruhi?”

“Nope. We’ve tried everything! We even picked her up for school so we could apologize first thing in the morning!” Kaoru complained.

“Well, maybe our new photo collection will soften her up a bit,” Kyoya said, snapping his notebook closed. “Are the preparations ready?”

“Finished them last night!” the twins confirmed. “Let’s give it a shot!”

Tamaki stood, silencing the chatter amongst the clubroom. “Thank you all for coming to the Host Club this fine day. We’ve prepared a surprise for you all today. Please enjoy our newest photo collection.” He swept back the velvet curtains, uncovering a display case filled with pictures.

Tamaki smiled. “Ladies, I give you the first ever Host Club baby collection!” The guests oohed, gathering around the display with obvious pleasure. Each member of the club had donated several photographs from their infancy, with Haruhi’s pictures excluded.

“Oh, the twins were so cute when they were little! Look, they have matching hats!”

“Tamaki is smiling as always. It looks like he’s having so much fun!”

“Kyoya-senpai, you even wore suits back then?”

“Look, baby Honey is wearing a dress!”

Haruhi stood slightly behind the crowd of girls, a slight smile making its way to her lips despite herself. One of her regulars turned to her. “Haruhi, are you going to add some of your photos too?” This caught the attention of several other guests, who looked at her expectantly.

Haruhi sighed internally at their hopefully expressions. “Sure,” she agreed, and their faces lit up like the sun. “I guess I don’t mind.” Everyone had already seen her photos anyways. She smiled in bemusement at how easy it was to make people happy in this club. Maybe…just maybe, the Host Club wasn’t so bad after all.

Truth be told, Haruhi knew she’d forgive them for their over the top reactions this past week. It was just like them to pull such crazy stunts. And as much as they annoyed her, Haruhi truly had come to care about the club, and the members in it. Sometimes, she even had fun here, despite herself.

The twins stood by her side, looking at her face expectantly as guests milled around the embarrassing baby photos they’d all donated. The other boys of the club watched her as well, waiting for her reaction.

Haruhi sighed.

“Fine. I forgive you guys. Just don’t pull anything like this again, got it?”

“We promise!” the twins exclaimed, hugging her tightly from both sides, their voices too sincere to be completely trustworthy.

Haruhi just hoped that whatever crazy thing happened next wouldn’t revolve around _her_.

Later, as they cleaned up from the day’s event, Tamaki burst into the room, his expression frantic. “Kyoya! We have a situation! It’s an _emergency_!”

The twins looked up, the sound of Tamaki’s pain sparking their interest. “Oh? What happened?”

“I signed up for the beauty pageant of Ouran, and I can’t back out now!”

Haruhi looked at him doubtfully. “That seems like something you’d enjoy. What’s the problem?”

Tamaki held out the flier, pointing at the fine print at the bottom. “It’s a _women’s only contest_!” he exclaimed with true panic. “I’ll have to perform in a ball gown!”

The twins laughed uproariously, barely able to breathe through their hilarity. Kyoya took the flier, appraising the fine print with growing incredulity. “How did your application even get accepted?” he wondered. “You’d think something like that would have been caught in screening.”

“I don’t know!” Tamaki wailed, panic written in every line of his face. “You have to help me, I can’t face the entire school in a dress! My flawless reputation will be ruined!”

“What reputation? I think this is right up your alley,” Haruhi wondered honestly, sending an arrow straight through Tamaki’s heart.

Hikaru slapped the Prince on the shoulder, still fighting back laughter. “No help for it boss, you’ve gotta go through with it!”

“We’ll take lots of pictures!” Kaoru promised, his voice shaking with mirth. “Maybe you could ask Haruhi’s dad for advice on cross dressing!”

“If he doesn’t kill you first,” Mori added in a serious voice.

“Personally I think this is a great marketing opportunity for the club,” Kyoya said coolly. He smiled sincerely. “Of course, I’d be glad to use my connections to get you off the registry. For a price, that is.”

Honey beamed up at the blond Prince of the Host Club. “I think you’d be a pretty girl!”

Haruhi couldn’t help it. She laughed, at the ridiculous things which happened around these boys, at the thought of Tamaki in a dress, and most of all because she knew her school days would never be boring again. The Host Club stared at her in astonishment.

For all her talk, Haruhi Fujioka really would miss this.

_~Finale~_

~o~

**Authors Note: Thank you for reading, everyone! I had fun writing this, so I sincerely hope you enjoyed reading it! If you liked what you read, please let me know in a comment. Thanks again! :D**

**oOo**

**For anyone interested, the violet fern mentioned is the Burgundy Lace Japanese Painted Fern. I couldn’t really do it justice in the story without distracting from the plot. The leaves start out as a deep purple with silver accents, and lighten in summer to silvery pink with dark red veins. It is very pretty, and I recommend checking it out.**

**Until next time,**

**~Little Miss Firebright**


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